A month on ..

And we've moved closer towards moving.  We've been hunting for places to go to.  Found a place we both thought we'd like to come home to and raise a family.  It's not the perfect of places, but the best given the circumstances.  Prices are high.  It's a sellers market with not much to buy.  We've made a offer and fingers crossed ... we will see ...

I would be so sad to leave this cosy little flat of ours ... but needs must.  Often times moving onwards means letting go of what you know best and relying on God's grace and mercy to see you through.  And that's what we've both been praying since we broached the subject of moving.  It has not been easy.  I had always harbored hopes that we may get the bottom flat and still live on the same road ... but I suppose God knows better.  His ways higher than ours ...

I have to say, it's taken us nearly a year to galvanize efforts towards where we are today.  We knew we would have to face having to move eventually but both didn't quite want to face it yet.  Interestingly enough it was BFL who had lived here 28 years to take the lead - with yours truly dawdling reluctantly from behind.  My complaint had always been 'I've just moved from my country of origins ... I particularly don't want to move house!'

This is perhaps not the last of our moves - but a move that would remain for a while yet.  A nearly forever home - where I can sink roots and make the place ours.  A house to start a family and raise children in ...

Then on the work front, things have become much more pleasant.  The prima donna has now preoccupied with her new role and no longer bosses us about nor feigns self importance.  I have submitted an application within the organisation for a better paying job.  If she can do it, so can I ... and better too (since am more qualified and experienced).

So fingers crossed.  And our hopes are with God.  He that plans to bless us and prospers us.

On not so up a side, the stalker has written again - hoping by the carrots he dangles, he would eventually 'bait the fish'.  While I can't help but praise God at how he's delivered me from living a charmless hopeless life, I am also mindful to pray for protection when BFL and I visit the parents.  My home town as much as I love has become a place where people sell their souls cheap.  He may have spies about and I have prayed that although they see they cannot find. That God's covering and protection will always be with us.  That inspite of all the people that harbor ill intents,  He will still make a way for us and bless our time with family and good friends. 

To move ...

Well, to move is the only way forward.  I've since psyched self up into looking at properties online.  The next step is to actually view them and find a house in a location that not only fits our bill of needs but also a location that's strategic.  This covers:
a) good public transport links
b) facilities and amenities like shops, schools, child care, medical services
c) safe and clean neighbourhood with a sense of community
d) most of all, a nice spacious house with a garden, enough rooms to have a couple children and visiting family, and a kitchen with an island.

We've both decided to put the flat on the market in the near future.  With BFL away on a familiarisation tour this would have to wait until he returns.  This would hopefully be the longest time we would be apart ...  am already praying for his safe return. 

Come end of the month, would be our first anniversary.  How time flies when we both love being with each other!  Mean time, there's his trip next week to face.  Am not looking forward being on my own but God be with each of us.

To move or not to move ...

That's been the question that's being weighing on both our mind.  The question the dominates most discussions lately.  I am not exactly in favour of moving out of the locality.  My argument being, location, location, location (nothing can been that when it comes to property).  BFL's argument on the other hand is that our flat is not exactly the most suitable if we wanted to start a family.  More space is needed.  Hence, the need to move out (since prices where we are at the moment has gone from expensive to ridiculously expensive).

Having not thoroughly explored alternatives I find myself digging my heels.  Yet another argument of mine is, I've just moved country of residence, I don't want to move just yet (so all's not smiley faces like the picture above)! 

And so the stress of having to drag self from this comfort zone to psyching self up to move.  More space.  A garden. A larger kitchen - with an island, raising a family, a dog ... in other words, much more to look forward to.  If only I learn to let go of what I have at the moment and venture into this option with a clear mind.

It's not easy.  Letting go of what one has at the moment for the unknown.  Better a bird in hand than two in the bush.  So the old adage goes.  And I suppose I've more or less operated on the same principle.  This largely explains why I've stuck with bad options (bad relationships, dead end jobs) for longer than one normally would.   You would have thought I learnt my lesson - having been there and done that and come out of that older and I'd like to think, wiser.  Yet at the way I am struggling right now about moving is showing that I've not grown any wiser. 

All's not lost, however.  I did move on eventually ... from bad relationships and dead end jobs.  Just not as quickly as one ought to.  I suppose I just wanted to know for certain that I had exhausted all options.  That there's really no hope after all.  I am as reserved and seemingly pessimistic as I am, I am secretly a hopeful optimist.

So, here I am at the moment. Struggling with the question.  To move or not to move ... (Noooo!)

Memorial and beyond

Mum's memorial service was last Thursday.  8th August 2013.  Seven weeks the day she died.  It turned out beautifully.  Nearly 200 people came.  I had a chance to be introduced to family and friends.  It was rather funny too that ... my being the only other Oriental in the fray (the other being one of Hugo's oldest friend's wife who's Korean).  Its interesting too how life comes in circle.  Mum considered one of her happiest times abroad was in Malaya (inspite of the communist insurgency).  Many years later, a Malaysian makes her way to UK (for a spell).  Hoping to herself in a country she's spent her happiest years.  Little did she know that that she would end up staying ....

Life, and its circles.  Who would have known ... ?  Only with hindsight, one realises how even with the most seemingly 'sporadic of spurious correlations' that we are indeed more linked to each other than we care to think.

Coincidences?  Or was it a purposeful design?  When I reflect upon Mum's life, I not only marvel at what an amazing life she's led and with such grace and resilience too.  She will be my inspiration on moving onwards and upwards despite the odds.  She was told after being shot by terrorist that she would not be able to bear any children ... yet she's born two.  Miracles from God ... one of which is BFL. 

If I look back upon how life have led up to this moment.  Meeting BFL.  Falling in love.  Getting married and Mum happily having finally witnessed her son marrying his love match in her - the chances of what had been is probably closer to nil than it would be what it presently is.  All by the grace of God go we.  All by God's amazing and abundant blessings we come under ...

The good Canon who married us was initially deign to give mum's eulogy.  Mum had always wanted that.  She was more than thrilled he was asked to marry us instead on that funny round about way we got engaged last year and interestingly married on the same day where Archangels feasted.  Michaelmas day - where the greatest of Archangels is honored in defeating Lucifer in the way of heaven.  Who would have known ...?

I don't think the warring has stopped but the decision to follow God has certainly been the best decision I've made my entire life.  Although to be honest, there were moments where I did seriously doubt if things were going to pan out ... but almost always it's worked out well beyond what I can imagine. 

I once pointed out in one of my earlier blogs that I'm living my dreams with my eyes wide open ...
And even if some days can be more trying than others - I still have much to be grateful for.  BFL.  Family.  Good friends.  Even great opportunities where many locals simply don't have.  So here's to onwards and upwards ... and to divine encouragement (however that may materialise)
when times get hard.

A quiet lull ...

My bad.  I've not been posting.  Mainly because there's work to reckon with and come evening there's much to be done (cooking, cleaning) or wanting to simply relax.  

The young prima donna have toned down a notch.  However not before she insinuated that I had annoyed people using her name via the phone or emails.  Not once but twice.  Uncomfortable as it was, I thank God He saw me through.  The power of prayer.  I no longer bristle with her accusations.  Rude, unbecoming behaviour has since been embodied in her name.  Sadly though ... it was a pretty name.  Just the person fraught by insecurities reacting by being aggressive.

I prayed for favour. I prayed too that God will show me a way of dealing effectively with this bullying behaviour.  He provided me a way to distance myself.  Interestingly, all via her doing.  She assigned me to manage the diaries of the HR and Finance Director whom I now work quite closely with given the increased volume of work that needs to be done and loom deadlines.

On yet another front, I had an interview last week with a well established institute that deals in the area that I am interested in.  They said I would know by this week.  So we will see.  Fingers crossed.  The darling BFL has been praying really hard that I would get this new job - having heard my daily tales of 'S' negative behaviour towards yours truly.

It will all turn out well at the end - so that's my hope.  God has already promised to that His aim is to prosper us ... and I believe it will be so.  

The power of prayer ...

I prayed this morning that things would bear up positively.  That somehow ... inspite of being marginalised, I would find favour in what I do. 

This morning the assumingly 'superior' (yet another prima donna ... what is it about red heads and having a complex?!) had a change of heart.  She probably had an address from the second 'Head' - stating she's simply got to learn to manage and delegate.  No point getting all stressed out by becoming a control freak.

The ... let's call her Prima Donna (II), aware of her short comings (particularly her not very healthy self) has decided to heed the second 'Head's' advice.  So yes, she's still in the every exclusive of the team - the Executive and is able to retain her sense of self importance and power and not be too stressed while being at it.

So!  I'll now manage the HR director and Finance Director's diaries.  While the other newbie will manage the two other director's diaries.  That's a start ... else we (LL and I) would not have much to do and we don't want to be seen as not doing anything either.

Onwards and upwards, Lord...?

Being marginalised ...

I've never been made to feel so marginalised on a job before.  To be singled out and exclusively not be included in a staff meeting ...  that hurt.  First person who heard my hurts were none other than BFL.  And he being an eternal optimist piped that its better to not be in a meeting and hear others drone on about things that mostly don't quite concern one.  I suppose in a way he has a point.  I never liked being in meetings. 

Anyway ... that was my day so far.  Yet another challenge to reckon with.  All I ask is for my qualifications, experiences and talents to be recognised and fitted into a role that I can further develop and make a career of.

Hard as it is, like BFL says, there are still more pluses than minuses.  I will stick to it.  I know my being there (that very 'impressive CV' whom one of the directors mistook the new comer to be owner of while I standing right beside her).  Anyway, least I know he's impressed by the CV.  Just ... I seem to be rather faceless and nameless at the moment.

Lord, is it too much to ask that my days be filled with favour?  Favoured by people who make up my day.  Favoured by those in positions of influences that I can finally 'move up' the ladder.  You promised to prosper us.  Yet, am not certain why you've thrown me such a hard curve ball that actually made a dent in my self esteem. 

Yet, my hope is in You.  I shall just (with Your help) learn to get over that bump in the road and move onwards.  Upwards.

The first week on the job - done

I've now been a week on the job.  So far so good.  Work wise is engagement but not overly stressful which is good.  As per colleagues, there is a certain aloofness regarding a couple of characters.  Particularly one I work quite closely with.  It makes me fairly wary ... like where I was previously, it feels like yet another episode of 'trodding on eggshells'.  Maybe I simply got to learn to 'manage people's expectations' so to speak.  In this context mine.  It's only a job.  Don't take it personally.  Repeat like mantra.

It was tougher yesterday when the nuances of it hit me like a tonne of bricks.  First impressions were very good but a few days on and I sense a kind of cool reservation.  Maybe I do my job too quickly ... I don't know really ... perhaps she's simply overwhelmed by her job.  The big boss after all is quite a prickly character to be reckon with.

Lord whatever it is, I still ask for favour in what I do.  Help me get along with people I already don't quite like.  Also help me work effectively with these people.

Round peg, square hole ...

I suppose all of us at one stage of our lives or another have felt like we didn't fit in - like a round peg in a square hole.  It's one of those things ... looking for a place to fit in.  A comfortable, familiar environment that one can thrive in.

I am, like everyone else yearn for that ... a place to 'fit in'.  More so now that I'm working in this new country of origin.  More often than not, it's that gut feeling that tells you whether you've 'found' the right place or not.   Sometimes without rhyme or reason you simply just 'know'.  Instincts process information far swifter than logic and reason tend to claim.  Meeting BFL for instance, I eventually 'knew'.  It was as if we've known each other for longer than it actually was and loving being together that marriage was naturally the next step.

 Job wise, it's a little trickier.  There's not only the job to reckon with but most importantly having to get along and like the people you're put with.   That usually spells complications altogether ...

Anyhows, this new job has lots to do.  It's engaging and I do feel that I am not only being challenged but am learning the ropes of a set up.  Yet, there's the colleagues to be reckon with.  I am to date the only non-British on the team.  My name my sound very anglophile but essentially, I am Malaysian and the 'temp'.  I don't speak with the same accent, to the core of it I don't look the least bit like them.  That's just touching on the superficial ... at the core of it all, they view me with a kind of 'reservation' while I try my very best to get on and assist.

I know at the heart of it all, because I am not essentially British I will never be able to 'fit in' like the new recruits have done.  I guess I shouldn't take it so personally either ... none of them actually knows what the future holds or a clue about their employment contract.   Admittedly, that not knowing - for someone the likes of me is somewhat worrying.  Yet on the flipside, at the end of the three weeks where I come off my temp contract, I would know whether there is indeed opportunities to venture onwards in this set up or to look elsewhere.  Oh, the uncertainty of it all!

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise, but God I sure worry.  I know you have been faithful so far.  You've not allowed me to fall in such a manner that I would beg for my keep.  That would have been the case had it been with A C.  She by her actions forced me to choose to mindlessly 'follow her' or to trust You.  I chose You.  And you have been amazing so far ...

So Lord, even as I worry ... feeling a little demoralised and marginalised by uncertainty I know Lord You will somehow see me through.  You have made rivers in deserts and made a way for me to be here when there was no way.  And you will essentially do the same in this instant.

I pray Lord that when I do feel low like this, remind me of your goodness and how lucky I am. 

Who would have known ...?

... A week from my last entry, I found myself a job and am now easing into the routine of administrative and assisting work with a quango.  All thanks to the help of a very really recruitment consultant.

Am not quite sure how long I'll be with this 'quango' - but it's in a sector that I was familiar with and am now learning the ropes of set ups and implementing new programmes and policies in this newly adopted country of residence.

Futhermore, it's on the same walking route as darling BFL.  We've now both walked into work twice - with this being only my third day on the job.

God is great.  That's a start ... and a start like this is both very encouraging and morally uplifting.  For a while I did wonder if anything were to go our way.  But I suppose all in good time.  And when He ordains it, things fall into place so amazingly well you sometimes can't help but marvel at the 'coincidences'.

Admittedly, though - it's giving me a lower pay rate.  But better be in a job earning something (in this dismal economic climate) than none.  That's the way I see it anyway.  We've been incredibly blessed - both BFL and I.  We live in central London.  Commute is minimal.  While i may be starting all over again, I believe He never gives us less than what we are accustom to.  God never short changes.  Infact, quite the opposite, His plans are to bless and enable us to prosper and be fruitful.

Just when you least expect it, ... the right thing seem to come along.  God's both amazing and surprising in his own way.

So in the midst of tying up Mum's estate and planning her memorial - a thanks giving ceremony of a life well lived, who would have known ... the run up to the day would lead to this?  Thank you Lord!

Yet another week on ...

Yet another week on and I've completed my last day temping with X company.  I've been prepared for the day since I started - funnily enough.  I suppose the mere term 'part-time' in itself connotes the fact that it's not for long term.  Having said that nothing's wasted.  I've learnt quite a fair bit working with X company and enjoyed the camaraderie of colleagues.

It's not back to the drawing board.  I did report earlier on about a job interview that didn't culminate in another job to go to.  Their loss.  To be honest, the fit wasn't there - inspite of how good the vibes were.  It was like fitting yet another square peg in a round hole ... It would work - but not for long term. I would eventually be bored out of my mind in the end.

I've enlisted help in the shape of a professional recruiter.  She, I must say, knows her stuff unlike the rest of the recruiters I've spoken too.   It was like blind leading the blind - those high street recruiters.  Fingers crossed I may find something to go to.  Even without there's another temping job that B (the operations manager of a project I was previously on) have recruited me to do.  Am quite keen on learning about Sharepoint and its uses. 

Am looking forward to a hopeful week inspite of setbacks along the way ...  and like what A (professional recruiters said),  you just got to 'toughen your hide and say 'oh well, their loss' and not give up'.

To the stalker ...

Dear Stalker,

I know you think of me more often than you care to admit.  Once upon a time in rage, you thought me harm. And acted on those thoughts you did. But because God hid me away, you could only do so much harm. You resorted to writing defamatory statements online.  When that failed, you drummed up fake charges where the police came around to parents place to investigate.  When your aim to destroy me failed by discovering I had instead gotten myself into one of the prestigious hubs of learning in the world and graduating with a merit, you were probably thinking I would soon be home in Malaysia. 

So you attempted to wormed through what you thought were my inner sanctum of friends ... looking for kernels of information to my where abouts.  Perhaps you were hoping that your somehow your schemes and plots have indeed succeeded.  That you have indeed destroyed my reputation and my ability to do anything nor move on - like your life has been since I left.

I'm sorry you failed.  I'm sorry you were unable to move on.  I'm sorry you're stuck on that vicious cycle of anger and blame.  I once tried to help but you were way beyond my 'pay grade'.  You were so bent on thinking and acting on your course of action you succeeded in alienating not only people closest to you but also yourself.

Angry as I am for being wrong accused by your minions that still deign to do your bidding, I forgive you.  You do have too much time on your hands ... and I understand, you would want to obsessed on something.  You have been accustomed to the world revolving around you.  When it doesn't you have the means and resources to make it to.  Thus, my not wanting to 'tow the line' and walking away would naturally make you hell bent on wanting to right that what you perceive as a wrong.  Resorting to revenge is thus a natural motivation. 

Am not sure how much more your would resort to but I do know my God is larger and far greater than your worldly schemes.  Even if you were to recruit powers beyond human limits, my God is still stronger.  He is my fortress and my strength and He would protect me as He has been (whether I know it or not).

I pray you find your peace and finally find a way to move on.  I also pray I no longer be the bane of your bitterness.  I hope you would somehow find a way to channel all that blame and anger into something more positive and edifying.

Admittedly from a human point of view, I do find that could impossible - since leopards don't really change their spots.  But amazing things can happen with God.  So you never know ...

In J precious name. Amen.

The outcome

I didn't get the job.  On top of that, received yet another email from another job application that I wasn't even considered for an interview.  Talk about double whammy rejection.  All in one day too.  I have to admit, this has been one very tough week.   Enough to make my eyes smart for more than a few moments. 

I don't think one ever gets immune to the sting of rejection no matter how many times one has experienced it.  One can't help but take it personally.  'What's wrong with me that I didn't get the job?' or 'Will I ever be good enough...?'

One thing that runs through the back of my head is 'Will I ever find a place that I would fit in ...?' It's agonizing, to say the least.

I guess in my grand scheme of things, getting a permanent job is key to plans of starting a family.  Maternity benefits, the security of income ... I can't help but think, if I don't get this, how will I ever start a family.  The capital outlay is huge ... and I don't think I can ever afford anything at the rate this is going ...

It's downright discouraging.  I see my dreams slowly frittering away ... I can't help but ask God 'Why?' If you meant to bless me and see me prosper why have you allowed this to happen?  Haven't I done my best?  Haven't I gone through enough hardship.  To be put down.  To claw my way back to a hopeful place.  To be defamed and made to look like a criminal in the process ... when will I have my day? Where my dreams come to fruition ... ?

I suppose I am being unfair.  I have had my fair share of 'good days' - inspite of all that's happened.  I met BFL.  We got married.  Chances of us meeting and falling in love and spending a lifetime together there is possibly closer to zero than something.  That in itself is a miracle. 

We had mum live long enough to see us get married and had the time to say our goodbyes. 

I graduated with the Merit in spite of the odds and all the lies that were written about me online. 

I got a part time job to help with my expenses whilst studying.  That even helped somewhat with wedding expenses - dress, parent's visits, food, travel ... etc.

BFL and I being happy where we are.  Although some would argue that where we stay is less than ideal to starting a family.  Fair comment - with the steep stairs and all ... it is not exactly the easiest of accesses.  More so difficult with a child and pram on tow....

But Lord, you know all that.  You see my needs. You understand them.  I'm not being unreasonable.  All I ask is to be blessed with provisions and security to afford and maintain a family at a standard of lifestyle both BFL and I hope to be able to give our children.  It's not about an extravagant lifestyle.  Rather, one that is comfortable. A nice cosy home with enough room for the children and occassional guests.  Ability to afford the best basic necessities.  Quality non-processed food on the table for family and friends.  Clothing.  Utilities.  Convenient travels.  Good schooling, tutoring and care for the kids with ability to afford family holidays abroad.  Able to also take care for ageing parents.  Air fares, accommodation ... the works ...and for BFL and I to comfortably retire without burdening our children and being able to leave them an inheritance. 

That's not too much to ask, is it?  Am not asking for luxurious living.  Just a decent one suitable to what we are accustom to.  You didn't bring me all this distance to let me down.  I know You're not that cruel.  You promised to bless and to prosper us.  Yet right now, I am struggling to see how ...

The interview

Had a job interview today.  It was encouraging to say the least that I was chosen for this role with K - an internationally renown institute.  To be short listed was a moral booster, to say to least.  I prepared for it.  Studied the role.  Even spoke to the senior recruiter about what type of questions that would be asked and how I would answer them - in the run up to the interview.  Yet, having done the interview this afternoon I've come away feeling rather deflated.  I didn't ace the test.  I only just about managed two out of three questions.  While the interview went on ok ... and I answered the question in the best way I possibly could, yet I can't help but feel I've fallen short. 

Instincts perhaps telling me that '... well, while you've gotten yourself through the door for an interview there are other candidates out there more suitable'.  I've caught sight of the other candidates - British or at least Europeans by the look of it.  I am probably the only international candidate.  Anyway ... I won't know till Friday but something tells me that it's back to the drawing board.

Lord, why is it so difficult to find a place where I would be accepted and be able to fit in.  Is there really such a place?  Or shall I be temping indefinitely ... with the insecurity of not knowing when the assignment will end and whether I would be able to find somewhere else to be engaged with and earn an income on the side.

Lord, you promise you provide.  You promised that you would bless me that my  'cup with over flow'.  And that surely, 'GOODNESS and MERCY shall follow me all the rest of my life'.  On another promissory note, you promise that Your Aim is to bless us that we may PROSPER.  I claim those promises, Lord.  To prosper in terms of income and security ... so we can start with a family soon enough. 

You promised!

That dull somber feeling

Is it because Mum had just died?  The grey blustery summer day?  The fact that am on my own - typing to the loud ticking of the kitchen clock?  My feeling tired - because it will soon be 'that time of the month'... that's making today feel so hard to get through?

A combination of all the above I suppose.  I've learnt today while speaking to the doctor that that monthly tiredness is caused by one's progesterone peaking where one feels it more as one age.  I'm now slotted in to a slew of tests - beginning from my next bleed which would be next month so the good lady doctor can assess my biological status quo and advise whether IVF is needed or not.  Apparently most women my age wanting to get pregnant are naturally slotted into IVF treatment.  So, there may be a possibility of twins after all!  ;)

One shot and that's it.  Very efficient way of having chidlren ... just the looking after would be doubly hard and we would be doubly exhausted.

But we are looking forward to new, happier beginnings.  To happily welcome a new arrival having now tearfully seen mum depart.  Life ...

So that's one step towards that direction of getting preggers.  Admittedly I do find it a monumental challenge.  Harder than any thing I ever thought about embarking on.  While we can make preparations, we are actually dealing with variables that are beyond anybody's control ... to actually bring a child to this world is a miracle in itself.  I suppose you don't think of it so much when you're younger ... but the odds are in reality stacked up against you.  Chances of things going wrong is probably greater than things going right.  So every one of us, living breathing, living are indeed a miracle in our own right!

Yet, this dull heavy feeling remains ... maybe I just need a nap or something ...

A tribute to a wonderful person ...

My mother in law passed away this morning.  Her primary carer, BFL's older sister was in an agitated state when we arrived at the cottage this morning.  Going down to see Mum was a weekly affair unless we had something special planned - like last week's Berlin. 

It wasn't as if we hadn't seen it coming.  Mum had been in a fairly frail state since I first met her.  To have her had two 90th birthday parties and then see us getting married indeed marvelous - yet we knew she was living on borrowed time.  She had been a very active person in her lifetime.  She probably had more adventures than an average person had in their lifetime too - being wonderful person as she is.  She was in Palestine with the Red Cross.  She was shot.  She recovered and didn't think she would have children.  She was with the woman's division of the navy and drove a truck during world war two.  Having married BFL's father and later had two children, she lived in the Far East and Malta before returning to the UK.  She's travelled extensively.  Was the oldest participant at the age of 60 in the London to Brighton bike race!  An amazing seamstress, cook ... homemaker ... she's no less than remarkable and admittedly an inspiration to people like me.   

While I don't expect to live that long, I would like to achieve as much as she's done - on my own turf.  And most of all, grow old gracefully surrounded and loved by family and friends.  At the end of the day, ambition is only hollowed ambition if you don't have loved ones to share it with.   Mum, had her priorities right and you could tell how much she's loved by her own children.

Am truly going to miss her, mum.  Am going to miss sitting next to her whenever we come down to the cottage and telling her of my week.  I'm going to just having her around ... and this is for one who've only known her briefly - it's only been two years since BFL and I first met and about 18 months since I first was introduced to Mum and C.

Here's to a great life well lived!  And I hope to achieve the same grace, patience and maturity as she's attained in her life time.  You are well loved and dearly missed, Mum.

To Berlin and back ...

To think it would be a week tomorrow BFL and I had been to Berlin and back.  We spent four days with friends who are now de-facto family since BFL is now formally godfather of young J (eldest child of German friends).

Berlin is a fascinating place.  It's a constantly developing city (hence the constant construction site) surrounded by a lot of woods which the Berliners strive hard to maintain.  Quite an ironic contrast if you think about it.  It reflects its historical roots of a city once divided in two - with two vastly different governing ideologies.

Although the city - East and West has since been reunited hence restoring the city's rightful place as its capital, the city still largely remembers its divided past.  A wall once ran through the city - dividing Berlin and its family of inhabitants into East and West.  The West, democratic.  The East, controlled by Russians.  Twenty four years later, although the remnants of the wall that ran through the city is largely left for touristic values - the city and its inhabitants still remembers yet have moved onwards and upwards.

The B. family for example - the friends that BFL have just been made godfather to their first born is testament to that restorative process of time and effort.  S is from the East.  Unlike the minority who rebelled and attempted escape, S grew up with the system and eventually became part of the ministry who were attempting to gain international recognition for their 'alternative ways of governance'.  C, his wife is West Berliner.  She grew up in a democratic state with the freedom to travel - an opportunity many of us take for granted until it's momentarily taken away.

S & C now lives what is now West Berlin, and their two young children will grow up only knowing the divided state as part of their city's moving and tortuous history.  The healing of the nations - lest we forget!

And that's what I drew from my observations of the history and life in Berlin.  The painful and hard past, part of what Berlin is has made it one of the most distinctive.  Yet in spite of such great division, it has moved onwards and upwards - creating new milestones and redeveloping itself as capital of Germany.

One must never give up striving onwards - no matter how challenging and demoralising times can sometimes be.  It's the only way upwards ... to not do so would spell a lifetime of being 'stuck' where one can neither go forward nor back.  And that would be indeed be hell ...




 

The first week of June

We're now half way through the year and I've been feeling somewhat down.  It's got to do with feeling homesick, elements of displacement and wondering if I'd ever fit into any where other than with BFL.  I'm still at that part-time temp job with no prospective jobs in the horizon.  It's depressing and I've been voicing my concern - wondering if any one would give me a chance.  I've seen more than a few jobs that I think I would love to do and be part of that particularly organisation.  Knowing the competition, I'm not even sure if I stand a chance but no harm trying ...

I've tried.  God, I've tried.  The number of applications I've written and sent in.  It's as if it's all sucked up into a black hole - never to be heard of again.  That's on top of being rejected.  I've written about rejection ... that the sting doesn't get any less painful even if tell yourself you'd get use to it.

Lord, when will I find a place of work that would offer some both security of income and a place where I can be gainfully engaged?  Will I ever find that place ...?  To be as successful as my siblings and be able to afford to provide for my parents and my family ... to have that house and a garden in a safe leafy suburb completed with convenience of facilities and amenities.   A kitchen with an island.  To be able to afford a couple of children, the help needed, being able to provide  the best necessities my money can buy ...

That's all I ask really ... while it doesn't sound like much .. it is really quite alot.  As the weeks, months go by ... I can't help but wonder if it would ever be so.  Will I ever find that job and income that is a crucial step towards being able to afford all the above ... time is not on my side - age at least ... I am in medical terms a geriatric mother if ever I decided to try for a child.  It is a known fact that the older you are, the harder it is ...

I'm honestly despairing ... Lord, you promised that your plans are to prosper us, not to hurt us.  I claim that promise of 'prosperity'.  To prosper and be productive in whatever I do ... family, work, income ...
Help ... I need your encouragement that I am here in this country, at this mature age for a good reason ... other than finding my soul mate and building a lifetime together, I need too to be able to achieve goals and dreams set for myself.

Man down

 

BFL is down with a temperature.   I suspect its this false sense of summery warmth that has deluded BFL into dressing lighter. Yet in actual fact it is colder than the fact that we're actually in summer.  My explanation:-  It’s been an accumulation of summery chill (ironically enough) that’s finally taken BFL’s immune system down … coupled with the fact that he’s had some rather stressful days at work before the Spring break.

Stress and cold.  Two variables - enough to make one feel under the weather.  Poor fella.  Usually he’s tough as an ox.  I’m the one who’s always complaining about aches and pains … while he seems to be oblivious about it all.  But more often than not it is people like these – who seem to have immune systems of steel that when they go down, they really go down bad.

Although am not feeling exactly peachy myself, I'm healthy compared to the darling that's feeling poorly.  Am keeping fingers crossed that it won’t be so bad this time around.  Last spell was terrible.  It wasn’t only chills, it was cold sweats and soaring temperature.  So much so that I had to make him change out of his soaked jammies in the night.

Must make mental note to buy manuka honey and stock up on citrusy fruits.  Lemon and grapefruits seem to be rather popular bet. 

Thing is if he calls in sick tomorrow, I won’t be there to nurse him.  Got to work tomorrow.  Praying he’ll be feeling better tomorrow …

Mini trips

With better weather, the sun finally showing itself, BFL and I have been making day trips exploring parts of the country nearby.  Oxford on the bus.  Ashmolean museum.  A stroll down the river only to discover it was actually rowing season.  And there I was wondering if the students in Oxford were slogging hard in their rooms studying for exams ...!  Instead it was BBQs and Pimms as many frolicked and cheered their rowing teams.  It was all rather atmospheoric - which am rather pleased BFL and I had the chance to soak in.

Today, we were down it the country.  Other than the usual routine of church and lunch, BFL and I moseyed down to Fernhurst, Petworth and even caught a spot of polo. 

And we're now back planning for tomorrow ... fingers crossed the sun will show us his face. 

Spring break and living it!

BFL was given Friday off this week.  Next week Monday is yet another bank holiday.  Spring break - or something along those lines.  The difference between bank holidays here and public holidays (as it is known in my country of origin) is the fact that holidays here are mainly associated with the changing of the seasons while in  Malaysia it's linked to either a religiously and culturally linked - where it's some form of new year or religious celebration where good triumphs over evil.

That aside, the plan was to mosey down to the Isle of Wright (?) (did i spell that right?) depending on weather.   Although it's spring - or technically temperatures have plummeted making it the coldest spring since 1979 - so it is reported.  I guess much like many that simply made it easier to stay home than brave the rain and cold and be miserable in the process.

So what we ended up doing was mosey up to the British Museum.  There's the special Pompeii exhibition I've been wanting to see ever since its launch in March.  Speaking of Pompeii, I've always found the place fascinating ever since Mum told me about the place.  How archeologist found the place - a place where time stood still from the moment disaster struck.  How its inhabitants were found mummified from the aftermath of volcanic eruption ... as a child, the tale of a place so unique held my imagination.  Back of my wee mine that I thought, wouldn't it be grand simply to have a chance to investigate first hand.  This said, along with the pyramids in Egypt, Machu Picchu in Peru ...

Who would have thought that would all now be possible?  In fact, I've ticked off Machu Picchu off my list since.  Braving altitude sickness, fatigue and elements we finally got to see the the wonder of Machu Picchu nestled high up in the mountains - shrouded by the cloud forests.  'Cloud forests' ... that term simply has a magical ring to it.  As settlement is so far up the mountains, the shifting elements simply mean clouds would drift in and out depending on the direction of the wind.  Hence, it eluded discovery until 1911.

I've gone off tangent regaling tales of far off places.    Most of all, having the opportunity actually living it!

Although, we didn't get to see Pompeii exhibit (it was fully booked till 7 pm), we did get to see some of the galleries in the museum that we've missed.  Also, Pompeii could be next on our places to visit ... it is after all only a couple hours flight away ...

Speaking about next breaks, BFL and I will be flying over to Berlin in a couple weeks for a christening.  BFL is being made godfather to little Y - the son of a friend whom BFL have known for more than a decade.  That would be my first visit to former East Germany ... how exciting!

To think once upon a time ago when I was first a student here, I was determined to see as much of Europe possible.  The cheapest way - via inter-railing.  I was ambitious.  I bought rail passes that allowed me to train it from Western Europe all the way to Eastern europe.  Little did I know how tiring and challenging the trip would be.  By two weeks, I had reached Austria ... and by then, I had run out of steam and wanted so much to be back in England where I could at least understand the sign boards.

That was before smart phones came along ... we had to refer to maps, guidebooks and make bewildering calls (when we finally figured out how to use the phone numbering system in which ever country and place we were in), pray that someone understands English just to make bookings.  Boy, am I glad internet and technology came along ... it makes all that a breeze!

Am rambling!  Best leave it for now ...

Registration and the following ...

We finally after nearly 9 months of marriage got round to consulate of my country of origin to register our marriage.  All necessary administrative aspects of having married foreign.  BFL had to swear on the bible to do the necessary ... however, with passports with UKBA, followed by a wee mess up on our initial attempt a few weeks ago (my bad, I forgot a necessary document and got a dressing down in the process - yes by some rather frustrated lady in the consulate!), then followed by BFL forgetting his passport on attempt number 2, we finally got third time right. Admittedly, I was dreading having to go back ... after being told off on our first attempt.  I was rather glad on our second attempt BFL forgot his passport so we had to abandon the trip (he was mortified, I was rather relieved). I could very well just ignored having to do the necessary ... but needs must.  BFL after all swore on the bible and he can't very well go back on his word.  Unless he's got no scruples ... thankfully NOT.

I was expected to be treated with disdain yet again but for some reason our third visit was surprisingly pleasant.  The lady who attended to us was from my home town.  What was surprising about the entire whole dealings was her suggestions that I should 'join them'.  I initially thought she was asking me to join their church in London but she actually meant join the consulate. 

BFL thinks its a wonderful idea ... but I do have my reservations.  This is dealing with my former country.  As much as I love it, they are not the easiest people to reckon with (having had at least 5 years working experienced dealing at it) and having to deal with politicians that I have not much respect for.  I honestly have to pray about it. 

Then there's the stalker ... I wonder if he found out I was at the high commission would he make things difficult for me.  I don't want to be found.  Lord please let him nor his henchmen find me. 

So there we have it, as smoothly as that all went, these are my thoughts on the prospects.  Not very enthusiastic but Lord, if it is your will that I be placed in a liasing role as such, then you would not only make a way, but bless my route and have me prosper and be productive in what I do to bring about the change You desire.   Also most importantly surround me with good colleagues.  People who are kind and understanding and people that I can work with and develop from there. 

Amen.

Fitful dreams

I've been having fitful dreams of my past.  Dreams that are both bewildering and disturbing.  Not quite full fledged nightmares, I wake up both unsettled (like one is caught between a dream and a reality) and anxious.  Almost always I reach out to BFL for reassurances.  He is my reality now.  My life here.  That was all in the past.  A haunting past that I tried to make the best of but lost all hope in the process ... and yet one that refuses to 'let go'.  At least stalker is still at large.

Admittedly, I on the other hand out of curiousity occasionally take a peek back to see what's happening to the lot of characters that used to play fairly significant roles in that past life.  With social media all that is quite possible.  I say 'quite' only if their profiles on facebook are made public.  I do miss the dogs and find myself wondering whether they are being taken care of and loved as much I did when I was there with them.  And yes, there is a twinge of regret and remorse having left them - which I don't think I would ever get over.  I do have dreams of them now and again.  Almost always one having to say 'goodbye' - to tear myself away from one I once used to affectionally call my 'furkids'.  It's reliving the sadness all over again.  Being emotionally vested in those cute furry friends who at that stage in my life were the only creatures that gave me purpose of being. 

I guess God had bigger and better plans for me.  While dogs may be one of his loved creatures, He probably thought I'm better off vesting my efforts in raising mini-frosts - perhaps?  Soon?  That's one 'project' in the works.  BFL now thinks its a good idea to start a family sooner rather than later - with age catching up on us.  Scary yet exciting prospects.  That's something I forsee would occupy a fair amount of my time - researching and making efforts to prepping up for pregnancy etc.

Back to those dreams.  I have to admit, that sometimes these dreams materialise unprompted.  Out of the blue almost.  The one that bewildered me on Friday or was it Saturday night now ... was a semblance of him still looking but never ever finding me in the way and state he hoped.  It was comforting to know I was being 'protected' shielded from his conniving ways.  But what disturbed me most was being presented a folder of sorts of keys.  Puzzled, I argued with the rather blurry character that I had returned all keys and there was nothing of his with him.  But this person said, these are keys he wants you to have.  Keys to all his assets - his home, his shops.  It was like being presented everything he ever truly owned 'lock, stock and barrel'.  The bewilderment woke me up.  I knew I didn't want them.  And I knew I had to dispose of them fast.  But the residing dogs - whether or not they are still there made me pause for a moment.  The dogs.  The dogs I loved fiercely.  They kept me going, kept me together because I loved. 

The dream last night was appalling.  Again I was being surrounded by people who protected me from his insidious schemes.  This time, I saw the stuff he got his henchmen to do to drive me out of my 'protection'.  But my fortress stood firm. And the people surrounded me with support and comfort.  It felt as if I was safely remotely watching all that went on in his conniving sphere.  Although safe, I couldn't help be alarmed that one could stoop so low.  And he hadn't stopped and will for the rest of his life try to force 'the one that got away' back into his domination.  I have become an obsession of his.  To spite.  To seek forgiveness.  I hope it is the latter but it looks more like the former.

Time to immerse myself into my present reality.  We are not meant to stay in the past.  It's very disconcerting.  To be in two places at once.  Must calibrate and bring self into present wonderful reality.  Where there's simply so much to look forward to, and hope.

Here's to upwards and onwards! 

Blogging for the sake of blogging

Admittedly, there have been spells where I write for the sake of making up the numbers of one's blog.  Determined to beat last month's number of blogs but not quite having the heart nor topic to write passionately about. 

Call it a lack of discipline or focus?  But with so many things to do in a day, one needs to priorities and unless this is a major income earning enterprise then perhaps I would be deigned to focus a little more effort into writing about a pet issue that's been bugging me for days/weeks/years.  At the moment most entries are more of diary entries:

Dear Blog,

We met the girls for dinner yesterday at Paddie.  We went Malaysian.  Food was good but there was alot of seemingly big shots malaysians along with their entourage also eating in that restaurant.  We had to be careful what we said and steered clear of any discussion related to the recent general election.  BFL who've since become very accustom to the the only chap amongst us girls was slightly dismayed who couldn't get a beer to drink (after a long hard week).  But we made up for that by taking him to a pub after dinner.  He not only had the drink he's been craving for he also had some proper English dessert rather than the somewhat salty versions we had in the restaurant.  The night ended with more plans to meet up the following week.  Next stop a comedy show and probably some dinner and maybe a trip to Greenwich for the weekend.

The end.

That was yesterday.  Today's yet to fully unravel itself.  Other than the slightly damper and cooler slant the weather has taken, we are set off to get ourselves some long overdued haircuts.  We should be looking sharp by the time we get to Mum tomorrow.  BFL especially.  He looks so handsome after his nice cut.

Off we pops. 

Another work week done ...

Another week gone.  Another week done.  This time it was relatively busy with much computer work to be done.  As much as I've tried to 'tidy' up - there's still much to do in the new week.  I think am getting along better with my colleagues.  Key word 'think'.  My colleagues seems pleasant enough.  The prima donna seem to be warming towards me.  Perhaps she's finally realise that I' not really a threat.  Am there to help and as much as she faffs about, I still hold the utmost respect for her.  She knows her work like the back of her hand! A walking encyclopedia.  And oh, what memory.  It's not wonder she faffs - mainly because the main being former officers tends to overlook her talents.  It's just the way she is.  Were I in her shoes, I would probably have left rather than brave the sometimes overbearing patronizing ways of former officers.

I like to think she likes me.  I hope so.  I know I've not been the most flattering in my descriptions of the prima donna, it was a description of a matter of fact.  As much as I hoped to find favour with what I do and with the right people, I don't expect to always be liked.  It's life simply.  You can't always get what you want.  Having said that, you can always hope.

While we're still on the work front, I think I may have other temp job prospects in the works.  All a matter of waiting ... in the mean time, it's back to filling more application forms and making sure it's submitted within deadlines given.

Fingers crossed. Upwards and onwards.  Looking forward to yet another enjoyable weekend with BFL.

And now we're into the darling buds of May ...!

May.  The fifth month of the year. We're effectively well past the quarter of 2013 and nearing the half way mark.  Admittedly, with all that's going on I've not quite had the time to update this blog. 

I've been essentially concentrating on:-
1) Job hunting and application - No luck on the permanent front just yet.  It's been slow slog.  Having to write job applications after job applications.  One would have thought that with all the rejection I've gotten I would have build up a tough hide - becoming accustom to it's sting.  I have to say, the sting of rejection doesn't quite go away.  You get jaded yes ... but it still essentially sets you with the self doubting, cheerless wobbles ... the sort that makes you wonder why you even bother trying!  But one must keep on trying ... after you pick yourself up that is.  And it's been hard graft being back at the job hunting drawing board ... looking for suitable jobs to apply to and going through the motions of the application process.

Having said that, I am indeed grateful for this part time job I've been going to a couple times a week.  It keeps me busy.  Although I have to admit, it's not quite as interesting and challenging as it once was.  My days, I have to say are numbered.  And there's only so much one can do in that small company that is very much set in their ways.

2) Social 'integration' - this is the fun part of life.  Meeting up with friends.  Old and new.  Had dim sum with old school mates in London on Sunday.  It was good to catch up and meet some of their own friends.  Picnic in the park.  More hanging out and girl chats over chips.  Life couldn't be better ... though I can't say BFL found it all very invigorating.  He fell asleep on the picnic blanket while we yakked away.  Good boy. 

3)  Couple explorations  - we spent the bank holiday Monday (supposedly the British version of Labour day) exploring south east london.  Beginning with the O2 centre, the Emirates Cable car into Royal Victoria Docks - more docklands in the midst of being regentrified and redeveloped.  It was fascinating roaming the East London - an area we hardly go into. Quite by accident (having taken the wrong train) discovered where UEL is.  I don't believe we've ever gone so far east! 

Back on tracks, we ventured back into Greenwich - which is a place we both like, for a spot of lunch and some browsing.  I half expected to bump into AC - that being her neck of the woods.  And it was her after all that first introduced me to where Greenwich was. 

AC - I do wonder about her and her partner sometimes.  Often relief follows.  Glad that I no longer have to answer to her dominating ways.  Glad I no longer have to please her and J.  It's sad, but I am rather glad we are no longer in touch - because if we did, she would be one tough aunt to please and I'd always feel guiltily obligated for her doing what she did for me when I first arrived.  It's not that I'm being ungrateful.  I am grateful and always will be.  But one must move on.  She has shown her true colours.  It was not for the sake of wanting to see me succeed but more of the fact of wanting to control my life and be smug about being better than me.  I've nothing against anyone being better than I am - but to do it on purpose and be a stumbling block to others is not exactly what I would define as 'good deeds'.  Life's too short to waste it over trying to please toxic people.  Move on, we must.

And there we have it.  In a nutshell.  What i've been up to since end of April and the beginning of May.  Moving onwards - into this beautiful spring days.  Hopefully the bright, dry days would last ... and we'd have a proper spring and summer this year. :)

For the mean time, over and out! :)

A prayer

Although I know the 'stalker' has been trying to find me, it just dawned upon me that the occurrence of the last batch of bribing emails sent in February and March were sent after my graduation.  Results of 2011/2012 graduens were published on the web. 

So that's the extent of his monitoring.  Talk about having nothing to do but a daily google search often just to see what crops up.  He probably also thinks that now I've graduated I'm probably due home in the following months.  Hence the spate of emails and also one that showed he's banked in some money into my bank account.  In his round about cryptic manner, he's sending that bribery message yet again this time showing that he's big enough to celebrate my successes. 

Whatever ... I think it's dawn upon him that when heart breaks they don't break even.  Admittedly, I had it tough before and after I ended it.  But was determined to move forward - even if it meant I had to crawl and sometimes take time out to cry.  I had given up everything to get out, I couldn't afford to fail.  He knew I had the raw end of the deal.  But was he even sympathetic, no.  Instead,  he set out on his self-righteous project to destroy my reputation. 

He's done his worst and published.  All via his paid off lackeys.  It's now occurred to him that sometime very soon or perhaps its even happening as I type, all that bile and evil he's vented on destroy someone who's not lifted a finger in retaliation will come back and bite him so hard he'd spend the rest of his lonely dark hopeless days in bitter regret (not that he isn't already).  Knowing the lackeys type, they're probably going stir crazy and are turning against him.

Have I unwittingly cursed him?  No.  I'm only stating the obvious consequences.  One reaps what one sows.  I did tell him once upon a time ago to be careful of one's actions particularly the way he treats his family.  'At the rate you're going you're going to end up alone ...'

That's come back to haunt him now.  He's also in the last few years of attempting to destroy me dug a hole so deep for himself he realise he can no longer get out.  Hence all these renewed efforts of trying to bribe me into making amends. 

I smell something dead fishy...

There's only so much one can do.  We are only humans after all.  Not God who's master of these universe(s). 

So instead of getting fretful and anxious about what's going on beyond me,  this I will pray:

Lord, you have guided and protected me all these while.  Let me, even before my enemies, be hidden and shielded from their bitter arrows and vicious actions.  Let whatever arrows they've shot my way be turned against me.  Continue to bless me even in their presence.  May I always find favour, goodness and mercy in everyday of my life.  Amen.

The power of thoughts...

I can't prove it but I do know when someone thinks of you - no matter how far away in the world or have been out of touch in a while, you will somehow or another think of them too.

It is inexplicably, the power of thoughts - the energy and connection one forges in one's mind - directs it to the universe and somehow or another those thoughts would reach the person of thought.  I've felt this recently with someone I used to know.  Someone I'd rather not have anything to do with knowing how schemes they are capable of but I have somehow eventually done something about it.  Not directly, but spoken to the people whom I call my loyal 'gatekeepers' about it.

My hunches were right.  My gatekeepers being loyal gatekeepers did more shielding me from the stalker wielding his bribes.  You would think three years on and he would have given up.  Apparently not ... Apparently he's been making inquiries through certain people who can be bought. 

So I'm writing to let these thoughts loose.  I will not return to that old life.  While it's materially secure there's really nothing much to look forward to except more material acquisition.  Undoubtedly that affords conveniences and comforts that some would aspire for, it is an empty existence and simply not for me.  It would mean quashing hope.  My hope.

While that yet again is something immaterial and people like the stalker would never in their small minds understand, I've fought and struggled to keep that hope alive.  Call me idealist but as much as one needs to be able to afford basic necessities to keep a decent living, one too needs their dreams and hopes to keep their souls alive.

Why go back when I've achieved so much and most of all loving every minute of it?

To he who must not be name:  You had your chance.  That time has long past.  I've gone away and onwards - though you seem to be stuck.  Although you now seek routes to make amends for all the wrong you've done, go and find your peace.  I don't hate you.  Our time had been essential in molding me to who I am today.  Goodbye.

Back again, back again ... !

Our long weekend away in Florence was a second honeymoon in all but name.  We had a wonderful time.

Day one (arrival): Arrived Pisa international airport by lunch time which is in the heart of Pisa.  A short bus ride from the airport and we found ourselves wondering through area of the Duomo and the leaning tower of Pisa only to stop for a gelato.  It was then another leisurely stroll through the city of Pisa - which I now understand is one big university town.  Bumped into some celebrating groups - most cheering the one with laurels in his/her hair.  My speculations were - someone was getting married.  But discovered upon asking that it was a 'ridiculous' (quoting an italian) italian graduation tradition.

Honestly, thought it all looked rather quaint ...!

More window shopping and a coffee break, we found ourselves on the coach journeying down to Florence.  The trip west took us 75 mins right into the heart of Florence - the Santa Maria Novello station.  Discovered that BFL had booked us at the hotel right by the Ponte Vecchio!

(Isn't he simply wonderful?)

Ponte Vecchio's yet another dream of a place that I've seen in movies but don't really know where in the world it is.  It was like dejavu - to discover that that image of a bridge seared into my mind is the very place we would be living next to for the next five days!  Yet another discovery is what's on the bridge...

It was almost too good to be true when I discovered all the shops on the bridge were jewellery shops. Talk about major bling!  Told BFL there MUST be a reason why we're living by Ponte Vecchio ... what's my budget?  (hehe)

Day 2:  The day began with waking up to the many morning bells of Florence.  Breakfast came with the view of the picturesque city.


We then spent the morning roaming around Pitti Palace museum(s).  We bought one of those museum tickets that allowed us only restricted access to certain exhibits.  Since BFL wanted to see the Royal Apartments (it was once the home of the Duke of Florence/Medici family), we got the tickets that gave us access to that and the 'Modern art museum' - which admittedly the both of us weren't so keen on (Thinking along the lines of Tate Modern, we both agreed that modern art is lost on us ...).  However, we were pleasantly surprise.  Modern art in Italy is vastly differently from British modern art.  This was styled along the lines of Musee D'orsay.  It was thus rooms and rooms of amazing works that were easy on the eye.

 Lunch stop (and more pasta later) and the next session of window shopping began.  We ended strolling north to  St Lorenzo markets where I read (in guide books) that you could find yourself leather goods bargains which Florence is known for.

While I didn't get anything from the markets itself, BFL came way with 4 new silk ties.  Thing was by the time we reached the markets, BFL had bought me a nice scarf and leather belt along the way (such a sweetie).

After dinner (yet more pasta), we caught an operetta Madam Butterfly.  It was organized at St Mark's church on Via Maggio.   My first italian opera in all but name!

Day 3:  Marked by more pleasant bells and breakfast views, day three (being Sunday) began with attending an St Mark's church Florence (which is but a 5 mins stroll away).  A quick lunch at the train station and it was onto Lucca on the trains.  Train fares in Italy are comparatively cheap(er) compared to fares in the UK.  !

An hour and a half later we found ourselves strolling through the medieval streets of the fortified town.  It was flea market day and there was much to see!

It was also the day it turned cold and wet. Having said that we have been lucky to have had good weather since we arrived.  Pleasant enough to be wandering out without thick coats.


Day 4:  Our last day in Florence was spent trying to see the places we latterly discovered we wanted to see.  I read about the Vasari corridor on the train and made up my mind that that was a place worth visiting.  BFL on the other hand decided he wanted to do the Uffizi gallery.    Even if these were two different exhibits they were connected to each other.  Either way you could start with and end at another.  However, it being Monday Uffizi was closed and the Vasari corridor's refurbishment project would only be completed in the summer! :(

All's not lost.  It's always best to leave a place wanting more!  So we ended up looking up the British Institute of Florence.  A couple of yummy gelatos later it was down to more exploring and window shopping.  BFL thought it was a grand idea to get me a leather jacket.  So a new black leather jacket made out of the softest Florentian leather was found.  Only thing is, leather doesn't quite keep warm.  But it does look good!

Day 5:  Our final morning in Florence.  Not wanting to miss our flight at 1 pm from Pisa (which is a distance away) we left Florence by 9.15 and had fairly stress free journey and ample time to browse the airport's duty free shops. I reckon BFL has never done this much window shopping in one long weekend away ... he's been such a wonderful sport! 

Everything ran bang on schedule and we landed into Gatwick by 3 pm.  Weather in the UK was brilliant for a change.  What luck!  Also, I had my first taste of lining up in the EU passport lane.  It was all some what novel and admittedly less nerve wrecking (UK immigration officers are dead scary if they wanted to be).

But what a wonderful trip we've had! 

To Florence we will go !

And so ends yet another work week.  While I relish my two day work week, I do find myself hoping to find something full time and be earning more.  That would mean less time to potter about at home and experimenting in the kitchen.  One can't have it all ... but like I pointed out, all for long term plans (I think I touch on this briefly in previous posts).

To Florence we will go! To think that 'long weekend' is going to be upon us soon.  When BFL planned this to celebrate getting our passports back, it seemed a distant away.  Mid April.  It's been three weeks since we got our passports back. Time passes by so quickly ... it seems relatively more so with four seasons.  Perhaps it's how the seasons change - one is constantly reminded how moments pass (compared to the consistency of tropical wet and dry weather that seems to give one the illusion that things stay the same).  So savour them as they come because one's they arrive they are gone. 

Back to Florence. ... Here's a snippet of what I'd be feasting my eyes on ...

I hear too that the food in Florence is alot better than what we had to choose from in Venice.  Although I've had a couple of pizzas in England since we were in Venice, I've not had so much of a slither of pasta.  Nor gelato.  Once you've tired how good the Italian gelatos are, you won't settle for anything less than Italian.

So to pasta and pizza and of course a spankingly good time!  Woo hoo!

Now off to bed with me. We've got to wake up at the crack of dawn to catch our flight out ... will definitely post updates when we get back.

Marked shift...

On some days the realisation that this is now my country of residence hits me with greater intensity.  Today for instance, where clear signs of spring finally emerges after nearly six months of winter made me realise that I would for the next half of my life will always have the rich variety of four seasons.  To enjoy the hope and blossoms that each spring brings without wondering at the back of my mind when I'd ever experience spring again marked a significant shift in mindset.  So this is how it 'feels' to live here as oppose to being a student.

I have to admit, this is a marked shift in mindset.  It's not one I've experienced before and to be honest, it's also one that I constantly struggle with.  On some days, like today, better than other days.  Admittedly, it's not always going to be a walk in the park - as seen from the last few anxious months of waiting in limbo for my spouse visa.  However, at the core remains that of gleeful excitement and a deepest sense of gratitude.  Every cloud as a silver lining.  Even in those uncertain days of not knowing whether I would be given permission to stay or not, there were hopeful events that gave us much encouragement to look forward.  If I could surmise that in one word, it would be joy.  The joy of new beginnings.  The joys of hope.  The joys of love and being loved.

I am certain that with the passing of each day, this 'new country of residence' that still sits rather awkwardly in my psyche (particularly when I fill in formal forms) will eventually become easier to assume.

In the mean time, that simple biometric identity card clearly stating my legal status and rights has marked a world of a difference in our lives.  For one, it has given us (me especially) a peace of mind.  Furthermore, with passports returned this means our freedoms have also been restored.  To celebrate BFL has decided to take me to Florence for a long weekend.  Isn't he just wonderful?

Those narrow country lanes ...

There's a road in my hometown called Ridgeway mainly because it runs just about along the ridge.   It is narrow, undulating and meandering.  With a steep rising of a hill on some way of one side and green foliage on both sides of the road.  Dotted along this narrow green meandering road are the occasional colonial bungalows  (admittedly, some looking rather derelict) nearly half a century ago  when the English were in town.  Most locals would deem the road rather creepy and forlorn.   Given half the chance, they would tear down these houses, level the hill, clear out the green foliage and concrete things over.  Thankfully, this particularly road falls within a gazetted protected.  The city's 'green belt'.  Hence, it is one of those few places left in my hometown that has been left untouched by modern development. 

As far as I can remember, Ridgeway has always been one of my favourite places in my hometown.  Mainly because of it's character (that sadly other locals fail to appreciate) holds a certain charm.  One that reminds me of the English country side.

As BFL and I drove down the narrow undulating country lane down to S this morning, the rise of foliage on either side Ridgeway came to mind.  To think once upon my former life, I would purposely drive  down Ridgeway because it allowed me to indulge in fantasies of English country side  - my fanciful dreams - having a piece of pseudo England in the hometown.  Now, the English country is now my weekly reality. 

It's one of those moments of reflection that struck me how amazing life has been since.  Who would have thought ...?  And just one that one revelation, I find myself deeply grateful for second chances given and the life BFL and I have together. 

Possibilities ...

To stay put or move...? Those are possibilities that BFL and I have been reckoning with for the last few months.  On some weeks the subject seems forgotten ... mainly because we both like it here all too much.  Where we are at the moment has no bad points.  It's a great neighbourhood.  It's close to work, has great public transportation links, facilities, amenities, shopping ... you name it.  But! While a two bedroom upstairs flat may be perfect for the both of us at the time being, with children (particularly small children) it's not exactly ideal.  For one, there's ALOT of stairs to reckon with.  Admittedly, I do find it an occasional struggle having to lug up heavy shopping.  To imagine having to lug a baby and her/his pram ... along with a gadzillion other required baby accessories that you need to pacify a wet, hungry, cranky baby.  And we're not even started on the shopping yet!

So, you get my point. It's a lovely flat and we do love it here but bringing up a young family in an upstairs flat would be less than ideal.  On a side note, assuming if we could afford it I would ideally like to keep the flat for  sentimental reasons.  Arguably, it could also economically make sense.  We could let it out and earn some rental income.  Just ... am not sure whether in tax terms whether that would make it worthwhile.

Anyway, with thoughts on possibilities of moving, we found ourselves exploring W.  It has been on the cards as a possible area to move to.  Just, we haven't found the time to go down to see the place until today.  I have to say we were both pleasantly surprised.  Although its further away from the centre, transportation links (trains, buses, tube) are good.  The area has a nice feel to it (at least the parts we saw) ... I particularly liked the village side of W which astonishingly is a short walk (though uphill) from the centre of W. To think we'd have a village like atmosphere so close to London.

And yes, there were also green belts.  Vast bigger than the one just outside us.   Also, W has good schools.  A wide selection to choose from from what we're made to understand.  From state schools to independent schools. And when mini-mes come along not only are  there good schools, they'd get to savour the atmosphere of a vibrant suburb/village.  The great part is that W is also the home to great tennis. Perhaps even some horse riding lessons?  Ah, the dreams I have for the future generation who are not even here yet!

We simply have to find a place close enough to have the best of all worlds.  Understandably that would cost us.  So we'll have to see how that would all fall into place.  And as BFL says, we have to pray about it.   Very important that ... somehow, things work better with prayer.

It would make a world of difference were I to land a good paying job that permits both work life balance too.  That's also on the prayer list.  Where I am at the moment does not seem to afford much long term prospect nor does it pay enough to afford the family life we both aspire to have.  A house with a garden big enough for the kids to run out and play, a kitchen with an island, at least three bedroom with a couple of bathrooms, in a safe and quiet area surrounded by good facilities and amenities - schools, parks, shopping, transportation links, good neighbours ....  It seems like a long extensive list but like I've said previously, you never know until you ask.

 I know the Man above knows what we want and need.  Somehow BFL and I both believe that slowly but surely, things will all fall into place and we'd get there eventually.  In the mean time, we just got to do with we got to do presently.  Make the best of each moment.  Best foot forward with hopes of always moving onwards and upwards.  One can only hope!

Hurrah!

Hurrah! Phone is now resurrected.  Am thrilled.  Not only to have my trusty good ol' indispensible iphone up and running with all those vital information at my finger tips,  it coming back to life have saved me the cost of getting a replacement.  Yay!

I have to thank that kind man in the Apple store who 'rebooted' it.  He said, 'if it's cranky like that ...' and goes on to demonstrate what to do.  So, not only is the iphone in working order, I now know what to do when it decides to switch off on me again.

I suppose the 'rice' solution had nothing to do with getting it back up and running.  Then again ... you never know.  It was rather wet to begin with ... no drenched, but water on phone screen...whatever it is, God must have heard me yet again and answered yet another prayer of mine.

Admittedly, it is abit inane prayer for an inanimate object.  But you never know until you try.  Besides, one can barely function without one's phone these days.  It's a terrible fact to be so reliant on a device.  I was admittedly suffering from some withdrawal symptoms this morning.  I discovered upon filling in the required forms that I simply couldn't recall even BFL's number off the top of my head.  How scary is that?! Everything's now tapped into one's phone one no longer users one's brains to remember things anymore!  Am now determined to memorize home and his cell phone number.

Also discovered that if I had to replace my phone it would still be an Apple.   Mainly because it's got all my apps and information backed up on iCloud and iTunes.  So there goes my fanciful Samsung ideas.

So there you have it.  Three times lucky.  Twice misplaced and returned and now returned from the 'dead'.  Thank you ...so very very much ... I wonder ... if it's not too much to ask, could You do the same with having me win the lottery?

Hehe.  Yes yes I know.  That's like wanting the entire cake and offered a slice.  But you know ...  you never know until you ask.  So am asking (along with the millions of other lottery hopefuls) ... Could I please win?  The money would come it handy ... We could start a family sooner!