I've been having fitful dreams of my past. Dreams that are both bewildering and disturbing. Not quite full fledged nightmares, I wake up both unsettled (like one is caught between a dream and a reality) and anxious. Almost always I reach out to BFL for reassurances. He is my reality now. My life here. That was all in the past. A haunting past that I tried to make the best of but lost all hope in the process ... and yet one that refuses to 'let go'. At least stalker is still at large.
Admittedly, I on the other hand out of curiousity occasionally take a peek back to see what's happening to the lot of characters that used to play fairly significant roles in that past life. With social media all that is quite possible. I say 'quite' only if their profiles on facebook are made public. I do miss the dogs and find myself wondering whether they are being taken care of and loved as much I did when I was there with them. And yes, there is a twinge of regret and remorse having left them - which I don't think I would ever get over. I do have dreams of them now and again. Almost always one having to say 'goodbye' - to tear myself away from one I once used to affectionally call my 'furkids'. It's reliving the sadness all over again. Being emotionally vested in those cute furry friends who at that stage in my life were the only creatures that gave me purpose of being.
I guess God had bigger and better plans for me. While dogs may be one of his loved creatures, He probably thought I'm better off vesting my efforts in raising mini-frosts - perhaps? Soon? That's one 'project' in the works. BFL now thinks its a good idea to start a family sooner rather than later - with age catching up on us. Scary yet exciting prospects. That's something I forsee would occupy a fair amount of my time - researching and making efforts to prepping up for pregnancy etc.
Back to those dreams. I have to admit, that sometimes these dreams materialise unprompted. Out of the blue almost. The one that bewildered me on Friday or was it Saturday night now ... was a semblance of him still looking but never ever finding me in the way and state he hoped. It was comforting to know I was being 'protected' shielded from his conniving ways. But what disturbed me most was being presented a folder of sorts of keys. Puzzled, I argued with the rather blurry character that I had returned all keys and there was nothing of his with him. But this person said, these are keys he wants you to have. Keys to all his assets - his home, his shops. It was like being presented everything he ever truly owned 'lock, stock and barrel'. The bewilderment woke me up. I knew I didn't want them. And I knew I had to dispose of them fast. But the residing dogs - whether or not they are still there made me pause for a moment. The dogs. The dogs I loved fiercely. They kept me going, kept me together because I loved.
The dream last night was appalling. Again I was being surrounded by people who protected me from his insidious schemes. This time, I saw the stuff he got his henchmen to do to drive me out of my 'protection'. But my fortress stood firm. And the people surrounded me with support and comfort. It felt as if I was safely remotely watching all that went on in his conniving sphere. Although safe, I couldn't help be alarmed that one could stoop so low. And he hadn't stopped and will for the rest of his life try to force 'the one that got away' back into his domination. I have become an obsession of his. To spite. To seek forgiveness. I hope it is the latter but it looks more like the former.
Time to immerse myself into my present reality. We are not meant to stay in the past. It's very disconcerting. To be in two places at once. Must calibrate and bring self into present wonderful reality. Where there's simply so much to look forward to, and hope.
Here's to upwards and onwards!
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