I didn't get the job. On top of that, received yet another email from another job application that I wasn't even considered for an interview. Talk about double whammy rejection. All in one day too. I have to admit, this has been one very tough week. Enough to make my eyes smart for more than a few moments.
I don't think one ever gets immune to the sting of rejection no matter how many times one has experienced it. One can't help but take it personally. 'What's wrong with me that I didn't get the job?' or 'Will I ever be good enough...?'
One thing that runs through the back of my head is 'Will I ever find a place that I would fit in ...?' It's agonizing, to say the least.
I guess in my grand scheme of things, getting a permanent job is key to plans of starting a family. Maternity benefits, the security of income ... I can't help but think, if I don't get this, how will I ever start a family. The capital outlay is huge ... and I don't think I can ever afford anything at the rate this is going ...
It's downright discouraging. I see my dreams slowly frittering away ... I can't help but ask God 'Why?' If you meant to bless me and see me prosper why have you allowed this to happen? Haven't I done my best? Haven't I gone through enough hardship. To be put down. To claw my way back to a hopeful place. To be defamed and made to look like a criminal in the process ... when will I have my day? Where my dreams come to fruition ... ?
I suppose I am being unfair. I have had my fair share of 'good days' - inspite of all that's happened. I met BFL. We got married. Chances of us meeting and falling in love and spending a lifetime together there is possibly closer to zero than something. That in itself is a miracle.
We had mum live long enough to see us get married and had the time to say our goodbyes.
I graduated with the Merit in spite of the odds and all the lies that were written about me online.
I got a part time job to help with my expenses whilst studying. That even helped somewhat with wedding expenses - dress, parent's visits, food, travel ... etc.
BFL and I being happy where we are. Although some would argue that where we stay is less than ideal to starting a family. Fair comment - with the steep stairs and all ... it is not exactly the easiest of accesses. More so difficult with a child and pram on tow....
But Lord, you know all that. You see my needs. You understand them. I'm not being unreasonable. All I ask is to be blessed with provisions and security to afford and maintain a family at a standard of lifestyle both BFL and I hope to be able to give our children. It's not about an extravagant lifestyle. Rather, one that is comfortable. A nice cosy home with enough room for the children and occassional guests. Ability to afford the best basic necessities. Quality non-processed food on the table for family and friends. Clothing. Utilities. Convenient travels. Good schooling, tutoring and care for the kids with ability to afford family holidays abroad. Able to also take care for ageing parents. Air fares, accommodation ... the works ...and for BFL and I to comfortably retire without burdening our children and being able to leave them an inheritance.
That's not too much to ask, is it? Am not asking for luxurious living. Just a decent one suitable to what we are accustom to. You didn't bring me all this distance to let me down. I know You're not that cruel. You promised to bless and to prosper us. Yet right now, I am struggling to see how ...
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