Yet another week on ...

Yet another week on and I've completed my last day temping with X company.  I've been prepared for the day since I started - funnily enough.  I suppose the mere term 'part-time' in itself connotes the fact that it's not for long term.  Having said that nothing's wasted.  I've learnt quite a fair bit working with X company and enjoyed the camaraderie of colleagues.

It's not back to the drawing board.  I did report earlier on about a job interview that didn't culminate in another job to go to.  Their loss.  To be honest, the fit wasn't there - inspite of how good the vibes were.  It was like fitting yet another square peg in a round hole ... It would work - but not for long term. I would eventually be bored out of my mind in the end.

I've enlisted help in the shape of a professional recruiter.  She, I must say, knows her stuff unlike the rest of the recruiters I've spoken too.   It was like blind leading the blind - those high street recruiters.  Fingers crossed I may find something to go to.  Even without there's another temping job that B (the operations manager of a project I was previously on) have recruited me to do.  Am quite keen on learning about Sharepoint and its uses. 

Am looking forward to a hopeful week inspite of setbacks along the way ...  and like what A (professional recruiters said),  you just got to 'toughen your hide and say 'oh well, their loss' and not give up'.

To the stalker ...

Dear Stalker,

I know you think of me more often than you care to admit.  Once upon a time in rage, you thought me harm. And acted on those thoughts you did. But because God hid me away, you could only do so much harm. You resorted to writing defamatory statements online.  When that failed, you drummed up fake charges where the police came around to parents place to investigate.  When your aim to destroy me failed by discovering I had instead gotten myself into one of the prestigious hubs of learning in the world and graduating with a merit, you were probably thinking I would soon be home in Malaysia. 

So you attempted to wormed through what you thought were my inner sanctum of friends ... looking for kernels of information to my where abouts.  Perhaps you were hoping that your somehow your schemes and plots have indeed succeeded.  That you have indeed destroyed my reputation and my ability to do anything nor move on - like your life has been since I left.

I'm sorry you failed.  I'm sorry you were unable to move on.  I'm sorry you're stuck on that vicious cycle of anger and blame.  I once tried to help but you were way beyond my 'pay grade'.  You were so bent on thinking and acting on your course of action you succeeded in alienating not only people closest to you but also yourself.

Angry as I am for being wrong accused by your minions that still deign to do your bidding, I forgive you.  You do have too much time on your hands ... and I understand, you would want to obsessed on something.  You have been accustomed to the world revolving around you.  When it doesn't you have the means and resources to make it to.  Thus, my not wanting to 'tow the line' and walking away would naturally make you hell bent on wanting to right that what you perceive as a wrong.  Resorting to revenge is thus a natural motivation. 

Am not sure how much more your would resort to but I do know my God is larger and far greater than your worldly schemes.  Even if you were to recruit powers beyond human limits, my God is still stronger.  He is my fortress and my strength and He would protect me as He has been (whether I know it or not).

I pray you find your peace and finally find a way to move on.  I also pray I no longer be the bane of your bitterness.  I hope you would somehow find a way to channel all that blame and anger into something more positive and edifying.

Admittedly from a human point of view, I do find that could impossible - since leopards don't really change their spots.  But amazing things can happen with God.  So you never know ...

In J precious name. Amen.

The outcome

I didn't get the job.  On top of that, received yet another email from another job application that I wasn't even considered for an interview.  Talk about double whammy rejection.  All in one day too.  I have to admit, this has been one very tough week.   Enough to make my eyes smart for more than a few moments. 

I don't think one ever gets immune to the sting of rejection no matter how many times one has experienced it.  One can't help but take it personally.  'What's wrong with me that I didn't get the job?' or 'Will I ever be good enough...?'

One thing that runs through the back of my head is 'Will I ever find a place that I would fit in ...?' It's agonizing, to say the least.

I guess in my grand scheme of things, getting a permanent job is key to plans of starting a family.  Maternity benefits, the security of income ... I can't help but think, if I don't get this, how will I ever start a family.  The capital outlay is huge ... and I don't think I can ever afford anything at the rate this is going ...

It's downright discouraging.  I see my dreams slowly frittering away ... I can't help but ask God 'Why?' If you meant to bless me and see me prosper why have you allowed this to happen?  Haven't I done my best?  Haven't I gone through enough hardship.  To be put down.  To claw my way back to a hopeful place.  To be defamed and made to look like a criminal in the process ... when will I have my day? Where my dreams come to fruition ... ?

I suppose I am being unfair.  I have had my fair share of 'good days' - inspite of all that's happened.  I met BFL.  We got married.  Chances of us meeting and falling in love and spending a lifetime together there is possibly closer to zero than something.  That in itself is a miracle. 

We had mum live long enough to see us get married and had the time to say our goodbyes. 

I graduated with the Merit in spite of the odds and all the lies that were written about me online. 

I got a part time job to help with my expenses whilst studying.  That even helped somewhat with wedding expenses - dress, parent's visits, food, travel ... etc.

BFL and I being happy where we are.  Although some would argue that where we stay is less than ideal to starting a family.  Fair comment - with the steep stairs and all ... it is not exactly the easiest of accesses.  More so difficult with a child and pram on tow....

But Lord, you know all that.  You see my needs. You understand them.  I'm not being unreasonable.  All I ask is to be blessed with provisions and security to afford and maintain a family at a standard of lifestyle both BFL and I hope to be able to give our children.  It's not about an extravagant lifestyle.  Rather, one that is comfortable. A nice cosy home with enough room for the children and occassional guests.  Ability to afford the best basic necessities.  Quality non-processed food on the table for family and friends.  Clothing.  Utilities.  Convenient travels.  Good schooling, tutoring and care for the kids with ability to afford family holidays abroad.  Able to also take care for ageing parents.  Air fares, accommodation ... the works ...and for BFL and I to comfortably retire without burdening our children and being able to leave them an inheritance. 

That's not too much to ask, is it?  Am not asking for luxurious living.  Just a decent one suitable to what we are accustom to.  You didn't bring me all this distance to let me down.  I know You're not that cruel.  You promised to bless and to prosper us.  Yet right now, I am struggling to see how ...

The interview

Had a job interview today.  It was encouraging to say the least that I was chosen for this role with K - an internationally renown institute.  To be short listed was a moral booster, to say to least.  I prepared for it.  Studied the role.  Even spoke to the senior recruiter about what type of questions that would be asked and how I would answer them - in the run up to the interview.  Yet, having done the interview this afternoon I've come away feeling rather deflated.  I didn't ace the test.  I only just about managed two out of three questions.  While the interview went on ok ... and I answered the question in the best way I possibly could, yet I can't help but feel I've fallen short. 

Instincts perhaps telling me that '... well, while you've gotten yourself through the door for an interview there are other candidates out there more suitable'.  I've caught sight of the other candidates - British or at least Europeans by the look of it.  I am probably the only international candidate.  Anyway ... I won't know till Friday but something tells me that it's back to the drawing board.

Lord, why is it so difficult to find a place where I would be accepted and be able to fit in.  Is there really such a place?  Or shall I be temping indefinitely ... with the insecurity of not knowing when the assignment will end and whether I would be able to find somewhere else to be engaged with and earn an income on the side.

Lord, you promise you provide.  You promised that you would bless me that my  'cup with over flow'.  And that surely, 'GOODNESS and MERCY shall follow me all the rest of my life'.  On another promissory note, you promise that Your Aim is to bless us that we may PROSPER.  I claim those promises, Lord.  To prosper in terms of income and security ... so we can start with a family soon enough. 

You promised!

That dull somber feeling

Is it because Mum had just died?  The grey blustery summer day?  The fact that am on my own - typing to the loud ticking of the kitchen clock?  My feeling tired - because it will soon be 'that time of the month'... that's making today feel so hard to get through?

A combination of all the above I suppose.  I've learnt today while speaking to the doctor that that monthly tiredness is caused by one's progesterone peaking where one feels it more as one age.  I'm now slotted in to a slew of tests - beginning from my next bleed which would be next month so the good lady doctor can assess my biological status quo and advise whether IVF is needed or not.  Apparently most women my age wanting to get pregnant are naturally slotted into IVF treatment.  So, there may be a possibility of twins after all!  ;)

One shot and that's it.  Very efficient way of having chidlren ... just the looking after would be doubly hard and we would be doubly exhausted.

But we are looking forward to new, happier beginnings.  To happily welcome a new arrival having now tearfully seen mum depart.  Life ...

So that's one step towards that direction of getting preggers.  Admittedly I do find it a monumental challenge.  Harder than any thing I ever thought about embarking on.  While we can make preparations, we are actually dealing with variables that are beyond anybody's control ... to actually bring a child to this world is a miracle in itself.  I suppose you don't think of it so much when you're younger ... but the odds are in reality stacked up against you.  Chances of things going wrong is probably greater than things going right.  So every one of us, living breathing, living are indeed a miracle in our own right!

Yet, this dull heavy feeling remains ... maybe I just need a nap or something ...

A tribute to a wonderful person ...

My mother in law passed away this morning.  Her primary carer, BFL's older sister was in an agitated state when we arrived at the cottage this morning.  Going down to see Mum was a weekly affair unless we had something special planned - like last week's Berlin. 

It wasn't as if we hadn't seen it coming.  Mum had been in a fairly frail state since I first met her.  To have her had two 90th birthday parties and then see us getting married indeed marvelous - yet we knew she was living on borrowed time.  She had been a very active person in her lifetime.  She probably had more adventures than an average person had in their lifetime too - being wonderful person as she is.  She was in Palestine with the Red Cross.  She was shot.  She recovered and didn't think she would have children.  She was with the woman's division of the navy and drove a truck during world war two.  Having married BFL's father and later had two children, she lived in the Far East and Malta before returning to the UK.  She's travelled extensively.  Was the oldest participant at the age of 60 in the London to Brighton bike race!  An amazing seamstress, cook ... homemaker ... she's no less than remarkable and admittedly an inspiration to people like me.   

While I don't expect to live that long, I would like to achieve as much as she's done - on my own turf.  And most of all, grow old gracefully surrounded and loved by family and friends.  At the end of the day, ambition is only hollowed ambition if you don't have loved ones to share it with.   Mum, had her priorities right and you could tell how much she's loved by her own children.

Am truly going to miss her, mum.  Am going to miss sitting next to her whenever we come down to the cottage and telling her of my week.  I'm going to just having her around ... and this is for one who've only known her briefly - it's only been two years since BFL and I first met and about 18 months since I first was introduced to Mum and C.

Here's to a great life well lived!  And I hope to achieve the same grace, patience and maturity as she's attained in her life time.  You are well loved and dearly missed, Mum.

To Berlin and back ...

To think it would be a week tomorrow BFL and I had been to Berlin and back.  We spent four days with friends who are now de-facto family since BFL is now formally godfather of young J (eldest child of German friends).

Berlin is a fascinating place.  It's a constantly developing city (hence the constant construction site) surrounded by a lot of woods which the Berliners strive hard to maintain.  Quite an ironic contrast if you think about it.  It reflects its historical roots of a city once divided in two - with two vastly different governing ideologies.

Although the city - East and West has since been reunited hence restoring the city's rightful place as its capital, the city still largely remembers its divided past.  A wall once ran through the city - dividing Berlin and its family of inhabitants into East and West.  The West, democratic.  The East, controlled by Russians.  Twenty four years later, although the remnants of the wall that ran through the city is largely left for touristic values - the city and its inhabitants still remembers yet have moved onwards and upwards.

The B. family for example - the friends that BFL have just been made godfather to their first born is testament to that restorative process of time and effort.  S is from the East.  Unlike the minority who rebelled and attempted escape, S grew up with the system and eventually became part of the ministry who were attempting to gain international recognition for their 'alternative ways of governance'.  C, his wife is West Berliner.  She grew up in a democratic state with the freedom to travel - an opportunity many of us take for granted until it's momentarily taken away.

S & C now lives what is now West Berlin, and their two young children will grow up only knowing the divided state as part of their city's moving and tortuous history.  The healing of the nations - lest we forget!

And that's what I drew from my observations of the history and life in Berlin.  The painful and hard past, part of what Berlin is has made it one of the most distinctive.  Yet in spite of such great division, it has moved onwards and upwards - creating new milestones and redeveloping itself as capital of Germany.

One must never give up striving onwards - no matter how challenging and demoralising times can sometimes be.  It's the only way upwards ... to not do so would spell a lifetime of being 'stuck' where one can neither go forward nor back.  And that would be indeed be hell ...




 

The first week of June

We're now half way through the year and I've been feeling somewhat down.  It's got to do with feeling homesick, elements of displacement and wondering if I'd ever fit into any where other than with BFL.  I'm still at that part-time temp job with no prospective jobs in the horizon.  It's depressing and I've been voicing my concern - wondering if any one would give me a chance.  I've seen more than a few jobs that I think I would love to do and be part of that particularly organisation.  Knowing the competition, I'm not even sure if I stand a chance but no harm trying ...

I've tried.  God, I've tried.  The number of applications I've written and sent in.  It's as if it's all sucked up into a black hole - never to be heard of again.  That's on top of being rejected.  I've written about rejection ... that the sting doesn't get any less painful even if tell yourself you'd get use to it.

Lord, when will I find a place of work that would offer some both security of income and a place where I can be gainfully engaged?  Will I ever find that place ...?  To be as successful as my siblings and be able to afford to provide for my parents and my family ... to have that house and a garden in a safe leafy suburb completed with convenience of facilities and amenities.   A kitchen with an island.  To be able to afford a couple of children, the help needed, being able to provide  the best necessities my money can buy ...

That's all I ask really ... while it doesn't sound like much .. it is really quite alot.  As the weeks, months go by ... I can't help but wonder if it would ever be so.  Will I ever find that job and income that is a crucial step towards being able to afford all the above ... time is not on my side - age at least ... I am in medical terms a geriatric mother if ever I decided to try for a child.  It is a known fact that the older you are, the harder it is ...

I'm honestly despairing ... Lord, you promised that your plans are to prosper us, not to hurt us.  I claim that promise of 'prosperity'.  To prosper and be productive in whatever I do ... family, work, income ...
Help ... I need your encouragement that I am here in this country, at this mature age for a good reason ... other than finding my soul mate and building a lifetime together, I need too to be able to achieve goals and dreams set for myself.