The first week of March

The first week of March officially marks the season of spring.  Yet it feels no closer to spring with how cold the days have been.  I do pity the spring blossoms though - now that they are out.  They're probably suffering from some form of shock like we humans have been for the last few months.  'Eek! It's freezing!'  :(

The first week of March also marks that 'time of the month'.  Where hormones go awry.  This time around, my immune system's taken a plunge.  With all that coughing and sneezing in public, plus BFL earlier spell of flu, I'm thankful I've been relatively unaffected until this week.  I suppose the body can take only so much stress ... trying to balance hormonal 'oil change' coupled with working in a small office and battling all manners of ill-meaning germs , something's got to give.  So bouts of sniffles and cough it is.  A general 'feeling under the weather', thankfully  nothing quite as severe as BFL's ...

Which brings me to my third point of musing:  It dawned upon me having perused graduation list published online that the Merit degree I earned is certainly more rare than I generally thought it to be.  And I found myself feeling ever so proud of my achievements all over again.  For me, it was a personal aim.  To excel towards something realistically achievable.  I am certainly not brilliant (so a 'Distinction' was out of the question).  Bright, perhaps.  (But there are always many others far brighter than I am).  So a Merit was the target.

Admittedly, beyond that lies a deeper motivation of setting out on this academic journey.  It was to find out a simple fact:  Whether the years of personal trauma had taken toll on my mental faculties. Those toxic people I had once been with had often tried to put me down.  Belittling who I am and what I could achieve to pittance.  So insidious and cruel were the mental and emotional abuse,  there were admittedly dark moments where I began to wonder whether I was indeed the mad gibbering wreck these toxic people made me out to be.

I've not only learn but proven on this very long and arduous journey onwards and upwards that one should NEVER allow anyone to undermine one's self esteem.  While I am aware that there will and always be others far better and brighter than me, I should never discount nor underestimate my abilities and capabilities. Although it's only an academic Merit,  it proves that I am still capable of excelling.  I am 'NOT' the mad gibbering clueless idiot those toxic people make me out to be.  My abilities and capabilities are no less than others on an international scale.  And my internal values fairly grounded (I like to think that I do the least harm to others).  That said without any trace of 'big headedness' nor malice.

My parents often prayed this:  That the good Lord would restore unto me all the years the locusts have eaten.

That prayer I have since taken to heart.  Like the bible character, Joseph.  Better known in secular times as Joseph and the Technicolour coat, the narratives tells of a boy having incurred his brothers' envy had them plotting against him.  The plan was murder.  However, due to eldest brother's intervention, Joseph was thrown into a pit and later sold off as a slave.  He was served an important man briefly, before he was framed and wrongly accused and sent to prison.  There he remained and by the grace of God and divine intervention (and through his hard work, talents and abilities) rose to Pharaoh's right hand man.

Therein lies my other point: That on any journey upwards and onwards one should never limit what God can do.  Naturally being human, one comes with certain fused ideas of  'what, how, why' things should or ought to be.  Anything straying beyond our comfort zone or stereotype scares us.  As a result, we often dictate to God what and how He ought to act in answer to our prayers.

However, God like it is often quoted, works in mysterious ways.  He doesn't always work the ways one wants Him to.  His ways are higher and bigger than one's mind, no matter how brilliant, can fanthom.  In my own personal journey, just when I thought all hope is gone and I find myself at a brink of giving up except for one prayer uttered in earnest desperation, He always opens a way to a whole new vista.  Always far better than what my mind could conjure up. 

BFL is prove of that.  Who would have thought that on this academic journey to prove to myself that I'm no gibbering wreck,  in addition to proving a point, I also find a best friend who is now my husband?  This comes with a wonderful new family and (old and new) friends - people who mean well and helped me along the process of adapting and integrating into my newly adopted country of residence.

So you never know how life might pan out.  Just a deep rooted belief that He will indeed 'restore all the years the locusts have eaten ... '