Like that card above, as traumatic as hard past experiences were, I am thankful for it. As it shows me who I am and capable of. More importantly it revealed to me whom I do NOT want to be.
The stalker wrote a barrage of emails again recently. Emails of the 'bribing' sort. It's his style to dangle a carrot after episodes of cruelty. Hence, 'stalker revisited'. It's not as if I like to look back and dwell. However, moving upwards and onwards occasionally requires backward glances to gain a better understanding of the present.
BFL knows of my past. Stalker etc. However, he does not about the spate of emails that I've chosen to ignore. But just in case, I've carefully file them away. You never know what insidious tricks he would be up to. Like getting the man who done the kitchen to write me a legal letter threatening to sue me for 'not being there' - when he's already been paid to complete the kitchen. That absolute nonsense! When that didn't work, the published a missing person allegedly involved in an assault case in the local papers. And all these while I was blissfully ignorant nose in the books churning up assignments to meet my deadlines.
Do I sometimes feel a twinge of longing with my backward glances? No. Admittedly there were some 'good times' where I thought he was considerate. However, it was all a ploy. Any act of consideration always came with a hefty price. Like what he's doing right now. 'Dangle the carrot', once he's thinks you've taken bait, he'd reel you in and then the abuse begins. No loved one should ever be treated that way.
The toxic cycle always began with a lull before the storm. You're left to your own devices. One that spells of neglect. Then the drama begins. It usually begins with nitpicking of some inane non-descript issue which explodes into some full blown accusations. From affairs to being a low down cheat with no-morals, this tortuous toxic infliction could drive any sane, even tempered person off the edge. It's as if the aim of each episode of cruelty is to tear someone apart. At the end of the day, he's the sort of person that brought out the worst out of me. I fought tooth and nail to survive.
Each dramatic epsiode, showed me the harsh truth. I didn't like who I was with him. Because of his ways, I was so up in arms whenever he approached. Like an injured incensed animal, I became a gibbering emotional wreck every time a drama unfurled and accusations thrown. I knew, if I wanted a shot at being happy again and to lead a purpose driven and hopeful life, I must distance myself from his insidious toxic schemes.
I put half the world between him and I. Fairly drastic measures, I have to admit. But the opportunity arose and I took it ... admittedly with much initial trepidation. But God has been faithful. Although He's shut one door, He's faithfully opened another and provided what was needed to journey well into this 'new life'. I didn't know it at that time, of course. All I knew then was to 'get away' and learn to be strong again. I didn't have a clear plan of what and how to do that. All I knew was to take things one day at the time, and find ways to engage oneself in gainful activities - that sort that would both be learning opportunities and would stretch one's horizons.
Having come this far, any 'backwards glance' would always leave me with a sense of gratitude and relief. That I had 'escaped' a life of pain and grief. While that meant having to give up a certain lifestyle and sense of material security, that was a small price to pay for a life of hope and happiness. No amount of 'carrot dangling' would make me go back. I'd rather be where I am now than live in a huge house, drive a nice car ... however one with no future.
Moreover, being with BFL means alot more to me than some silly multi-million dollar lifeless property.
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