I suppose it all boils down to this:- At 37 I ought to know what I want to do as a career in life. Nearly two weeks past graduation and I still haven't much of a clue. All I know is that I want a job that affords me the stability and resources to think of starting and maintaining a family. I suppose better that clarity than none ... Yet it still doesn't solve the quandary what do I want in a career?
At my age, I don't have much of the opportunity of time to flit and experiment at jobs. Nor do I want to flit and change jobs ever so often. I would very much like to stay at a job that I love doing and develop myself, the business, my skills from there. And therein lies the tricky bit. Not many are first time lucky finding a job they absolutely love and are good at it. Most have to flit and experiment before finding exactly what they want. And that makes me despair somewhat ... how many times would I have to experiment? How long would it take?
Can't things simply fall into place? Like NOW?! *sighs*
So I go out receeing more sights, places. Not really giving it much hope of anything coming out of it. In all honesty, I'm probably wallowing in bouts of self pity. The grey, cold weather tends to exacerbate such thoughts (yes, go blame it on weather ;P). If I bothered to rein in my thoughts and take stock of the actual situation (which I am, as I write), the part time job actually cropped out of an explored option where I actually thought, 'well ... i guess, that's one closed door there ... no point pursuing that any longer'. Then the fact that it's a lot closer and easier to home that I imagined it would be is also of positive note. Opportunity. Conveniences. And here I go disregarding its virtues by the thought of:- 'I just hope the people I work with are pleasant and helpful that I could later form friendships with'.
So what am I actually discouraged and despairing about? Is it more anxiety of change? Reservation of not knowing? Truth be told, there's not much in there to be down about. Yet, this dark tempestuous mood is so real and rather hard to shake off. It's probably also a case of having too much time on one's hands. I have inane thoughts (as I walk along) like: 'Will I ever have the option of driving in the cold instead of walking sometime soon? I miss being able to drive anywhere and everywhere ... I miss the familiarity of things. I miss just knowing - instead of having to rely on google maps just to find how to get to any place!' Admittedly, all those creeping thoughts just makes me take a longing look at the life I had left behind.
Perhaps, other than bouts of self pity I'm actually missing home. Missing how I was once was. Fairly confident. I knew how to get around and get things done, whom to speak to, what to say. In this new country of origin, I don't even know how to get from point A to B without a map! I've never been so unsure of myself and full of questions - at the ripe old age of 37!
WTF?!!
Sorry. Had to swear. Needed to vent my frustrations.
I suppose on the bright side, thank God for smart phones. Without information at my fingertips I'd probably be in even dire straits. I suppose, like the saying goes 'every cloud as a silver lining' ... and I take some actual comfort in that.
And what does BFL think of it all? He's alot more optimistic than I am. He believes in me more than I believe in myself. He believes with my smarts and character, I would be a success. If only I had half as much faith as he does. So, I don't think its fair to vent my discouraged, despairing frustrations on him. It's tiring enough with one struggling with such weary and tedious emotions. No point wearing out another. Hopefully, I learn to be more like him - positive and optimistic than what I am at the moment.
I suppose on the bright side, this is, in reality a 'phase' in one's life journey. And all 'phases' will soon pass. Also, I am thankful for the time I have on my hands giving me time for gainful distractions. SO off to cook dinner I shall. It's still fairly early but the kurma needs some time to stew and its pancake day! (I've not made pancakes in a while ...) I wonder if BFL would like a pancake dessert for dinner....?
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