Stuck in the middle

There are moments like last weekend where I feel more acutely what one would call the 'early stages of adaptation' from country of origin to new country of residence.  The best one could describe the feeling is one that is 'stuck in the middle'.  You can't go back now that your life's nudgings have led you in a course away from home.  Harder still are the experiences that had been shaped and hone along the journey.  Those innate leanings would have changed you and that would make it harder to simply fall back into the same mold of how things were when you left it a few years ago.

On the other hand,  'going o'er' looms like a daunting and terribly uncertain prospect.  The overwhelming novelty of everything.  New culture, new ways of doing things, even new coping practical life skills to cope with seasonal changes.  I've learned about new ways of dressing to brave the cold, new ways of using public transport, even living in a house requires new set of skills, new areas, new ways of working and the colossal amount of paper work and transaction fees needed simply to be here in this country. I still don't know what my legal immigration status quo is other than being legally married to BFL ...

You can't therefore blame me for doing the human thing: To look back at the certainty of what I use to know.  My life in my country of origin, the people, the family ... at the very least, I knew with certainty what my legal status is. A citizen of that country.  These things one takes for granted until it's all up there in the clouds.

I like to think it's the call of 'certainty and familiarity' that makes me yearn for my old home.  But in reality, it's arguably as uncertain there as it is here.  Change is after all constant.  No place, nor people stays the same.  Either you live your life in that chosen geographical location simple accepting and going with the flow of things or you return a few years later and play the constant 'catch up game'.   That fact will only come to light upon each return visit.

So yes, being 'stuck in the middle' arguably, is probably a natural process of adapting.  I can't say for certain mainly because this is the first time I've ever attempted moving country of residences.

Usually, that feeling of being 'stuck' is accompanied by waves of overwhelming homesickness.  This tends to taint any  novel experiences living here.  An example would be the cold season.  We don't have winters where I originally come from.  And while many would love to experience this, I'm finding the freezing grey temperatures rather wearisome.  It saps all enthusiasm and energy out of you and while many would rather trade the cold for the hot humidity, I'd happily do the reverse.  It's a case of the 'grass being greener on the other side' and when that happens I become very insular looking.  I find myself longing to simply step out of the house without consulting first the weather to see how cold it is and to determine how many layers I should put on ... Funny too, how weariness that leads to insularity could make such a mountain out of  'mole hill'.

I tell myself it's but a phase.  I've accomplished so much now even if this weariness tend to have a discounting effect on everything one has achieved.  The good thing also is that BFL is wonderful in listening to me voice my feelings.  While I hate to be a bore,  to repeat like a broken record over and over again how I sometimes struggle to find the strength to move on and to question whether this is all worthwhile, BFL reassures me that I'm doing the 'right thing' to tell him.

I suppose simply by acknowledging how one feels is a way to 'move forward'.  BFL acknowledges that it is only right to be feeling waves of homesickness.  It is okay to have teary, low moments.  His assurances that it is only normal to have those feelings helps more than I think it does.  And almost always I'm reminded that it is important, in any journey forward to take stock of what is given.  To distract oneself from one's insular inclinations and learn instead to count one's blessings one by one.