One probably wonders as well, 'Why?' What have I done to deserve all the above? As complicated as life's explanations tended to be, it all boiled down to two things. 'Wrong choices' and not walking away sooner when 'toxic' alarms rang loud. Most ordinary people have more or less a workable 'self protective defense' - to stay away from toxic people. Mine, however, had abit of a 'bug' in the system. Instead of keeping a safe distance away, I am drawn to stay to 'help'. Very foolish thing to do particularly when we're only human - no matter how strong one perceives oneself to be, there will always be a kink some where. Needless to say, in a toxic environment, with toxic souls bent on wrecking havoc, no matter how good your intentions are, you will eventually get 'burned' if you don't flee. Simply said, humans that don't run don't survive bomb blasts.
There was a time in a painful stage of being trapped and 'consumed' by toxic negativity I did wonder whether I would ever have a chance to be happy again. That's the thing about toxic entrapment. It begins its insidious deed of robbing anyone even of the simplest hope. Simply because, the more it takes, the more 'empowered' toxicity becomes. Leaving behind unhappiness and hurt in its wake, it is, arguably the worst of all kinds of toxicity.
I suppose this explains why some people don't want to see others succeed. Mainly because of their own toxic insecurities.
But you see, my story is also a story of many. Others who've made mistakes like I have, found themselves in depth of despair, found by hanging on to even the slightest of hopes - second chances will eventually emerge out of that long dark lonely hole one is trapped in. Or even thirds. Or fourths. Often however, it means having to make that difficult decision to distance self from 'toxic entrapments' that robs one of even the smallest of hopes.
While that sounds simple enough - to walk away, however, when there's a 'bug' in your self protective system this can prove to be a challenge. It is a habit one must break. Unlearning something as deep rooted in one's psyche is not exactly the most straight forward of businesses. It is a complicated and uncomfortable process (to say the least) which forces anyone to take a long hard truthful look at oneself. It is a human version of an MOT (which is use to test for road worthiness of vehicle) and having to tweak and do repairs on 'broken' areas.
While learning and unlearning bad habits is hard enough. The second stage to learn new and more gainful 'coping' strategies can also prove challenging. The tendency always is to fall back to what one knows. Habits formed from years of experience.
It all sounds like a discouraging case of 'one step forward, another two backwards...'. So why bother?
Why bother...? Because it is our best chance at 'hope'. Life is after all a matter of probabilities and chances. Sometimes dealing one a harder deal. Hence, there's no other way of attaining 'hope' except by doggedly striving for it. Better to have done 'something' about our chances of happiness than not to - and spend a lifetime regretting.
It would have been great to report in my rather blissful state at the moment (life with BLF) that I have it all figured out. But I don't. That's the thing about life. It keeps you engaged by not knowing what's round its tortuous bend. In spite of being second time lucky (or third rather), no matter what happens I know for certain I will always continue 'trying'.
As for those who are still struggling - wondering if there will come a day where you will see light at the end of this dark tunnel you are trudging. The very fact that you 'wonder of light' signifies flickering of hope. Even if all your nerve and sinew are gone, simply by holding on to the smallest of hopes will someday reward you. Because you never know ....like many of us who have finally found our second chance, your 'second chance' may simply be around that corner. So hang in there!
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