Friends come in all shapes and sizes. They come and go at different stages of one's life. Some 'good time friends', others 'bad time friends'. Quite rarely you would find friends who are good in both good times and bad. And these, if you asked me, are the truest of friends. Friends who have time to sit and hear your laments and rejoice and celebrate with you as your luck improves.
This blog posting is spurred on by one 'bad time friend' who is also a close family relation. Let's call her AC. AC understood (once upon a dark time ago) that I was deeply unhappy and was one of the few who encouraged me to break out of that unfair staleness I was in. Her plans included a long term stay in my now country of residence (but who would have known then ...?) A 'time out' and an opportunity to distance myself from the manipulation and incessant hassling of X.
I suppose having solved one quandary, she hadn't banked on the fact that my hurts came along with me. Although I was geographically removed from X's bribes, pleas, tricks and emotional and mental manipulation - a life I had chosen to walk away from, my emotions were naturally raw. I was given up my security and routine (lifeless as they were) and now I didn't quite know what to do with myself. No distraction to shift my attention from how I truly felt. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, it was bloody hard business. All I knew was to learn to live with the pain one day at a time. I did however found myself glad to be put to task. For in those brief moments I forgot my pain by concentrating on something else.
And so the relationship grew. Initially, out of need. I was in pieces and I relied on her for encouragement. But as time passed and I grew stronger able to stand on my own two feet, she began to feel threatened. She found she too had learnt to rely on me more than she allowed herself to. Her partner felt that I had taken over her home. And things soon took a turn for the worst. She soon found all sorts of faults about me - things she never found cause to complain about (or maybe she did but bit her tongue out of compassion). My parents got the brunt of her complaining habit. It got to a point where whatever I did or did not was damned. She began spinning tales about what I was not. A liar. A thief.
Admittedly, I was in still a bit of a haze having just emerged from the raw depths of my emotions. Bewildered, I couldn't understand what had caused that drastic change of 'face'. Were I in her capable shoes, I would rejoice that my closest ally have overcome the worst and is now making headway upwards. But it was like she had gone mad. From my closest ally she has now drawn the lines of battle and I was declared public enemy number one in their books.
Looking back, I can only conclude that some 'friends' are only good for bad times. They are the most helpful and seemingly understanding while you're in dire straits. But once you get stronger and your progress no longer makes them feel almightily smug about themselves, you are no longer fit for their purpose. And so, they turn against you. This has roots in envy and insecurities of an individual shroud in a veil of capable competitiveness.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not being ungrateful. I am and will always be indebted to AC and all that she's done. But with her turning hostile at my positive progress I now have learned to keep my distance. Terrified almost of what she would stir up next.
Sadly, we are no longer in touch. But I have learned in any journey upwards and onwards, one has to let go of things toxic (this include experiences and people). Life is short. I've wasted more than enough time tending and mending toxic people bent on bullying anyone into submission. And from experiences, these toxic energy sappers are never satiated until you're thoroughly spent.
Rather than go down that route again, I choose instead to focus on being happy. This means surrounding myself with people who actually care. For those the likes of AC, I choose instead to remember them in their kindest. I have since been blessed that my journey upwards and onwards have led me to the truest of friends. Kind honest people who appreciate who you are - warts and all. People who are constantly encouraging and rejoices when you triumph. One of the kindest is now my husband. A man who promised on our first date that he would always be kind. He's since spent every day ensuring that he lives up to his promise.
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