Dreaming with one's eyes wide open ...

 

That what it feels like now.  Being here in my new country of residence, with BFL, living each day of the rest of our lives together.  Some moments are more profound than others.  For example the moment of yesterday when we took a walk around countryside.  It wasn't exactly the most stunning of winter days.  In fact, it was rather dull and gray (as the weather usually is).  The ground was wet and muddy.  I got stuck in a few times (thank god for gum boots - which have since escalated into one of my favourite things!), having farm animals to humour and 'chat' to - other than the significant other who was by my side holding my hand.  

It was bliss.  I've always dreamed of a life like this.  The beauty of the country side, the long walks, most of all, someone wonderful to share it with.  I couldn't help but marvel that THIS is what it is like to be dreaming with one's eyes wide open.  I'm awake.  I feel and sense every moment. It is real. Though not without its share of challenges, I wouldn't want to live life any other way than what it is.  With BFL.

To think, just a few years ago I was struggling simply to find a purpose simply to live.  The person I was with then wasn't exactly cruel in an outright way but he knew how to manipulate and inflict pain to a vast extent.  Emotionally, mentally and at times physically.  I knew what I wanted in life.  To be appreciated for who I am warts and all, to have a family of my own and a cosy and happy home. But I was in a place where everything wasn't.  It was hell. And I knew I had to get out. 

By God's grace I did.  Getting out was only the beginning of that journey upwards and onwards.  There were moments when I did wonder whether my life then had ended.  Better the devil you know that the devil you don't.  It was the first time in my life I didn't have a job, though my savings were substantial,  it was the security of an income and a place I was familiar with to give up (which something tells me only temporarily), venture out and away and pursue my heart's dreams.  Who knew what lay beyond that ... I had nothing to lose but to find out for myself.

And venture, I did.  I wouldn't be as brave had it not been for the support of my parents, aunt and good friends.  They rallied me on particularly when there were moments where I felt like giving up and returning.  They knew better I suppose ... that with a man as insidiously manipulative and obsessive, he would soon be on my case and I would be back to square one.

So I travelled for a few months.  Visited places that I've always wanted to see in real life.  Machu Picchu, down the Danube and the cities along that lovely river, more countries in Europe ... though not in that order,  my adventures were amazing, to say the least. For brief moments being so far away helped me forget the extent of my hurts.

Having said that, distraction isn't the way upwards and onwards.  It was having the chance to take stock of life's setbacks from a removed vantage point and sieve through all the issues and content that matters.  It was, to say the least, bloody hard and painful busines.  But the experience helped me in understanding the truth about myself and life's realities.  Interestingly, that was when life began to turn around. It was when I learned to simply let go,  just be and trust and hope that everything will eventually turn out fine.

And it has!  More that fine, I must (enthusiastically) add.  It has turned out amazing ... and for that, I'm eternally grateful and hopeful that it will always be upwards and onwards - in our lives as a couple.  So here's always to 'second chances' (written rhetorically) and a life worth living!