Reflections

I've been reflecting - yet again.  Trying to pin point an occasion in time that marked my climb upwards and onwards.  It was a few days before we met - BFL and I.  On that one fateful trip down to Canterbury.

But just before that I was in Cambridge.  Helping out a couple of friends with their exhibition of a start up. I was feeling really down then.  It was hard not to keep it off my face, I reckon.  The friend I was helping probably lost his patience.  There I was wallowing in self pity.  Having said that, I did not negate my responsibilities.  Most, if not everything that was on that table was what I had brought up.

So, he gave me a kind of 'telling off'.  I can't really recall his exact words now.  But he said something to the effect of I am nothing and because I am nothing in this new country, I should not be bothered about anything.  Harsh as it sounded.  That lecture helped me see the fact that I have been holding on to something that was no longer:
a) Valid or of healthy use (The X was after all toxic to the core)
b) Relevant to the present change of circumstances

For some reason that changed my perspectives. I stopped unconsciously demanding things to go the way I think it ought to go and just live instead.  Take chances, do things differently, meet different people.  And that was when I met BFL.  From yet another mutual friend.

Things didn't exactly fall into place the instant we met.  It wasn't exactly love at first sight for me.  Perhaps more so for him.  There was still much of an unknown.  Where will I be in the next few months?  Will I go or will I stay?  Will i start a course with L? If I stayed what are the preparations involved.  If I went home, what were my next steps?

I can't say I found L - the institution I'd spend a year studying on first try.  I tried an internship with Economist that was rejected.  A PHd with Reading - which was also rejected.  A cooking sort of course in France - which was also rejected.  I did however enrolled self in French classes - which I enjoyed the challenge.  L was actually the last of my applications.  I had worked on a eureka moment of a thought - older people and learning the skills of research.   And then set out finding a course that covered all that.

That was nearly two years ago now.  Two years.  How long and short a time it seemed ...

And now, I stand again at yet another cross road.  Not quite sure what I want in a career. I want research, but not too academic.  I want a job to engage my skills, experiences and talents.  Something I can work on developing a helpful legacy for others. That's just about the only thing I know I want at the moment.  Other than that, like I said days before, am rather clueless about things. 

Is it okay to be this clueless?  At my age?  No job. No idea. Only qualifications and a deep sense of curiousity of finding out what I want and what will work for me.

I can only pray that I will somehow, miraculously find my way like I did with BFL.  And how we both found our way together and are now committed to building a lifetime together.  

Am not quite sure what that friend who give me a dressing down two years ago thought.  He was somewhat surprised at how fast I pick myself up.  It felt just about forever from my end but to many on the sidelines they were amazed.  Like mum said, 'it has been some year!'

And some year it has!    It's not going to be easy next steps - particularly in finding a job.  Picking self up after every rejection is not exactly most pleasant.  But I suppose one become better at coping with disappointment and don't want to waste too much time wallowing.

So here's to more upwards and onwards work.