At my age, one would have thought that I probably would have some experiences in the area but this venture was indeed first of its kind in my personal books. Mainly because my experiences with properties it was always been for a client and never for my own. Secondly, I was running a search in my newly adopted country of residence. For me, it was as much of a learning experience as it was for the estate agents in understanding my needs. So there I was, giving my details to various estate agents. By the third agents, I got to know their line of queries well enough.
Was there any difference between how things were done in my former country of residence and my present? Not a vast amount ... But admittedly, being new to this country I found myself a little reserved and to some extent somewhat unsure of myself. I am not sure if that came across to the agents but I found myself later musing as to why I felt that way.
It is only natural to harbour some kind of hesistance in a novel situation. But why did that translate into a kind of awe of estate agents and the entire experience of making a simple query? While they dealt with me very professionally, some friendlier than others I did find myself puzzled at the fact that I felt almost scared by some.
Was it my imagination - one conjured up by my insecurities and my lack of experiences? Or was it actually real? Brought about by my ethnicity, my accent and the way I dressed and carried myself.
Erring on the side of optimism, I can only conclude that it was conjured. Even if it were real - since prejudice does exist to a greater or lesser extent whether we like it or not. Honestly, I have no real reason to be feeling like thus. For one, I am a potential income earner for not only these estate agents. It is through the completion of transactions such as mine that earns the company and agents their commissions and fees. If it weren't for potential buyers like me, they would be out of the job.
Could it also be that the entire query and viewing experience unearthed an old memory of how a coerced property purchase led to an unravelling of a former marriage? Though that wasn't the sole reason for divorce - it was the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. Where decisions were made without prior consultation and consent and I was expected to finance half of the purchase.
That must be it ... since it's made my stomach somewhat queasy...
It's happen so many years ago now. A decade almost. I am well over it. Yet I am surprised by the human psyche - how the brain works on past experiences. While logic and (I dare say healthy) state of emotions reasons that this experience is undoubtedly done in much happier and exciting circumstances of our lives together, some reservations remains. It's almost like being reminded of a faint rub of a stain - stubbornly lingering on.
And so I confront these 'rubs' by writing...
Soon the BFL will be back and I will have a chance to discuss with him my property discoveries. This has been something we both look forward to and have discussed for some months now. Our long time plans for the future. To find a place where our family can grow supported by the ample facilities and amenities.
This time it is a choice of action happily embraced by both parties and in circumstances far different from previous. On that note, I ought to be thrilled and excited at the prospect of searching for new properties. And indeed I am!
Now that I understand my reservations - especially how shadows of past have crept unconsciously and unceremoniously into the present. I shall have to be more proactive in making 'sleeping dogs lie' and not let past unpleasantness 'rain on our parade'.
BFL (wonderful as he is) promised to fulfil my dream of a kitchen with an island and a small garden to potter. I have no reasons to doubt him nor have good reasons to let past unpleasantness affect my enthusiasm for the future. So here's to exciting year ahead! Onwards, Upwards ... :)
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